Kojak

Ving Rhames may not be your father's Kojak, but like dad's wardrobe, this remake seems stuck in the '70s. Despite moments of promise, most of this reprise of the good cop/bald cop classic fails to cash in on the rise of gritty cop shows like NYPD Blue and The Shield. Ignoring devices like bare asses and four-letter words, the most imagination Kojak summons is in casting Rhames as the suave, street-wise New York City homicide detective. And while the rest of the regulars hold their own—Chazz Palminteri as Captain Frank McNeil and Roselyn Sanchez as Kojak's hottie assistant district attorney girlfriend—the two-hour pilot barely rises above Scooby-Doo mystery. Rhames has traded in his Pulp Fiction ball gag for Kojak's lollipop, but just when you think he's about to get medieval on a perp's ass, we catch him shedding tears for some prostitute, instead. The main trio has more talent than all of ABC's prime-time lineup, but unless the writing catches up, no one's gonna love them, baby.