Our Saturday Night Live Holiday Party Guest List

Check out our fantasy guest list for the funniest party of the year.

ENTERTAINMENT  |  December 16, 2012By Bailey Swilley
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Who does the holidays better than Saturday Night Live? Over the years, we’ve fallen in love with classic characters that make our spirits bright, which is why we’re taking things to the next level with our own fantasy SNL Christmas Party (complete with songs from Horatio Sans and Adam Sandler). Check out who made our guest list. (And who didn’t!)

The Host: The Continental


Who seems like a cool but also kind of terrifying guy we’d love to hang out with during the holidays? Christopher Walken as the Continental! He’d show us how to woo the ladies and, hell, he’d probably woo us too after a few winter lagers.

Guests:

The Festrunk Brothers


They’ll wear their tight slacks, matching hats and will believe anything we tell them, which is one of the greatest party guest traits. We’ll wrangle up our best bullshitting story and get fest-drunk with these two wild and crazy guys!


Stefon

Everyone’s favorite Weekend Update city correspondent will make sure our party is the hottest and most exclusive by stringing along some human suitcases, PuertaScreechans, tweekers and skeevies.

Kaitlin


The only underage person allowed at our party will be Kaitlin because she knows how to keep things movin’ and shakin’ with her vast knowledge of songs we never think about anymore. Just make sure her speech impediment doesn’t cause her to spray your food.


Target Lady

She knows what’s on sale, she knows where to get it, and she likely has a badass discount. So long as the TL shows up, we’re sure to be stocked up on tons of tri-scented candles, Entourage DVDs, a family size bag of Swedish Fish and some Hello Kitty ornaments.

The Anal Retentive Chef

During the holidays, we don’t want anyone fucking around with our food. (You hear that, Kaitlin?) We need this guy to make sure things get made precisely and perfectly. (R.I.P. Phil Hartman).

The Devil


You might think a holiday party is no place for The Devil, but Jason Sudeikis makes him a real guy’s guy. We’d love to sit and chat with him about his tenants and maybe even share a sheet of peanut brittle.


Linda Richman


Every holiday party needs a stereotypical Jewish mother-in-law. Plus, we can never have enough “buttah.”

Pete Schweddy

 


The Ben and Jerry’s ice cream flavor apparently wasn’t enough for us.


The Ladies Man


Who can resist the sexy lisp and giant afro of Leon Phelps? He’ll arrive armed with Courvoisier Cognac and will take a bite out of our butts. Hey, anything to keep a party going, right?


Dick in the Box Guys
 
The Dick in the Box Guys have been a yearly tradition since 2006. It’s not the holidays without those beards, the pants, and those… boxes. Just keep them away from Kaitlin, and we’re good.


Now, although we’re all about acceptance and gettin’ our drank on with some interesting folks, there are some characters we wouldn't invite under any circumstances. These are those people:

Mr. Robinson
 
He’s not that neighborly and is likely to steal all our Target goods.

Debbie Downer

Believe it or not, we don’t want to think about how many ounces of cancer our cocktails are packing, how much carbon monoxide is in the air, or how many delicious pigs had to die to make it onto our appetizer table. Oh wait, now we are thinking about it… thanks a lot, DD.

Gilly

 


This crazy bitch would kill us all. Plus, like we said, we can only have ONE child at the party. (Wait, is it okay to call a child a crazy bitch?!)


Surprise Lady


Oh mai gaaaaahd… nothing is fun with the Surprise Lady around. She gets too worked up and will probably burn down our tree...and all the other guests.