Helen of Troy

Reviewed by:
Paul Ulane

Everyone knows that Zeus liked to toss around lightning bolts and rape the occasional mortal, but trudging through volumes of Greek mythology just to get to the juicy parts never seemed worthwhile. Now, USA is offering up a Cliffs Notes version of Helen of Troy, with none of the reading—and it’s still boring as hell. Spanning from the birth of Paris to the death of Agamemnon, the four-hour miniseries winds up taking longer than just reading the damn thing. Instead of massive battles and never-ending orgies, Helen is a whole lot of exposition. A perfectly plain Helen (wasn’t she the cause of millions of deaths and a 10-year-long war?) and a lackluster Trojan horse scene only diminish the effectiveness of all of its drawn-out setup. If only the gods had some say in all of this—we’re thinking a lot more nudity and not nearly as much talking. Not to mention some serious god-on-princess action.