Tarzan

Swinging through the jungle from tree to tree without parents isn’t exactly the blueprint for a nurturing childhood, but we’d still take it over growing up in Manhattan. Poor Tarzan doesn’t have that option, and on the WB’s latest affront to TV viewers he has to endure not only Gotham, but also petty, squabbling relatives, vicious love triangles, and malnourished bare feet. John “Tarzan” Clayton (Travis Fimmel) was stranded in the jungle after a plane crash killed his parents and forced him to grow up among affectionate apes of Africa. Then his evil uncle (Mitch Pileggi) kidnapped him and brought him back to the big city. Then the WB started filming. Tarzan takes on tons of tough guys with tranquilizers—ordered by his uncle to subdue the beastly one after his episodic escapes from captivity—but the rest of his life unfolds like a well-worn soap opera. Instead of having Jungle John beat ass and chest for an hour, Tarzan attempts to dissect the true meaning of civilization: what flaws a pure, humane creature can expose in modern society, and, most importantly, why the WB won’t just concentrate on Smallville and quit while they’re ahead.