Is there any way for us to hire Archer’s resident mad scientist?
He may not be a medical doctor, and he may not be “the other kind" of doctor either, but that doesn’t stop Doctor Algernop Krieger ("Doctor" is his first name, not his title) from whipping up some of the most dubious, dastardly creations that any Applied Research Department has ever seen. If Lucius Fox had night terrors, they’d be chock full of Krieger’s crowning achievements.
When you’re one of the “Boys from Brazil” (read: you’re a test tube baby spawned from the DNA of Adolf Hitler), like Krieger, what’s the worst that could happen if you produce a small army of your own clones? Krieger’s clone project got flushed down the proverbial drain during an ISIS power outage, so we’ll never know if the clones would be excellent painters or the next Fuhrer, but either way, the world is definitely better off.
No, Krieger didn’t invent breast milk, but he sure did concoct a way to milk himself. The jury is still out on why Krieger endeavored to accomplish this feat, but if drinking the fruits of your own moobs was the desired outcome, then mission accomplished, Herr Doctor.
Probably one of the tamest of all the Krieger creations (Kriegations?), it’s not about the size of the van, but how you use it. Whether you’re getting around in style or just need a mobile bum fight recording outpost, there’s simply no substitute for a windowless van, and Krieger’s, as Roy Cadillac would say, is the Cadillac of windowless vans.
When you’re in a relationship predicated entirely on sex and your partner has an insatiable need to be choked out (making her a “gasper.” See, Maxim can be educational!), even Lana Kane’s monster hands with a kung fu grip won’t do the trick. Sometimes you gotta break out the big
guns hydraulic hand apparatuses. Krieger and Cheryl’s relationship didn’t last, but we bet the choke marks on her throat did.
When romance with real women fails and you just need somebody who understands you, leaving things to chance is no longer an option. Being a true scientist, Krieger turned to technology, and we’re not talking about online dating. His holographic virtual girlfriend was everything he (and fans of animé) wanted, but society just couldn’t accept their love. He should’ve moved to Japan.
Again, Krieger didn’t invent the dead intern (we’re pretty sure we can thank the FBI for that) but he definitely created some as a result of his experiments. Krieger’s Formula K (which turned Danny the intern
gay dead) and some prototype body armor (which should’ve been tested on a dummy but was tested on Chet the intern instead) are just two examples of Krieger’s take-no-prisoners attitude (and why Pam in HR keeps that ad for ISIS interns perma-posted on Craigslist).
Got a drug test coming up? You could just drink an assload of water and cranberry juice and hope for the best, but the good Doctor Krieger suggests something with a little more oomph. Never mind the fact that some of the most vicious sights from the seventh circle of hell will appear before your hallucinating eyes - your pee will be so clean you can use it as a substitute for Windex....probably.
Apparently, the easiest way to turn a call girl into a hooker is to kill her (for the record, we're not the ones saying that). The easiest way to accomplish that is with a poison pen with an unnervingly loose cap that falls off for, like, no reason at all. Krieger’s inventions tend to be very deliberately crafted, so we’ll chalk that up to Krieger liking his hookers dead.
Krieger’s not one to let a perfectly good (and possibly better than good) dead body go to waste. When he sees a problem, he fixes it, and when he sees a rotting spy corpse in the remnants of his van, he turns it into a cyborg. We'd expect nothing less. Archer wasn’t a fan of Cyborg Katya running off with Cyborg Barry, but those two crazy humanoids deserve a life of pain together. That’ll teach her to wreck Krieger’s van by landing on it when she fell to her death.
Jeannie the Dodge Challenger
What do you get for the man who has everything? Well, when that man is Sterling Archer, super spy, commissioning Krieger to turn a Dodge Challenger into James Bond’s wet dream is a good strategy. Jeannie, as Archer called her, had everything from hidden missiles to ejector seats, but, irresponsible though it may be, our favorite part was a glove box full of Scotch. Scotchbox™!
Archer Season 3 own it now on DVD & Blu-Ray.
The Many Loves of Sterling Malory Archer
The Archer Interrogation