The 4400

Every time we see a mysterious giant ball of light speeding toward Earth, we do the sane thing: grab our tinfoil hat and lube up. Unfortunately, The 4400 is as legit as crop circles in midtown. Instead of alien insemination, mutilated cows, and anal probes, the limited sci-fi series chronicles what happens when everyone who has been abducted over the past 60 years suddenly returns at once, just as they were when they vanished, without any memory of what happened to them. Upon their arrival, the Department of Homeland Security quickly sends its own Mulder and Scully to investigate, but what they discover is little more than a watered-down X-Files subplot: Some of the 4,400 have returned with special alien powers that could prove dangerous. Too much time is spent hovering in familiar sci-fi territory, and the two-hour premiere fails to stir enough interest to warrant watching the remaining four installments.