A new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game hits stores today, which got us thinking - what would the original show's stars be like in real life? We wish we'd never asked...
We like to imagine the first pitch for TMNT went something like this:
“So, I’ve got this idea for a new kids’ cartoon show about four weapon-heavy ninjas who live in the New York sewers and fight inter-dimensional aliens that want to enslave the Earth.”
“Boring. Fucking sending me to sleep here, Brian. What else do they do?”
“Well, they’re, uh, they’re ninjas, like I said, and the warlord, he’s like a brain inside a robot. And he’s in space.”
“Jesus, how much cocaine have you had today, Phil?”
“A LOT. Come on, how can we make these ninjas more interesting?”
“They’re all, er, they’re all… animals?”
“JACKPOT. Get it done. And Brian?”
“I want the theme song to rock”.
“It’s the 80s, Phil. The theme song always rocks”
Yes, we know it didn’t. And the first one of you dweebs to write in and tell us that TMNT started as a violent comic book by Eastman and Laird gets a judo chop to the face (and the first one of you dweebs to write in and tell us that judo doesn’t have chops and is in fact primarily a form of grappling gets one, too). Whatever the genesis, it’s clear that no one, at any point, considered that the idea of human-sized, talking animals was absolutely terrifying. Why? Because when it comes to sex, animals are dicks. Here’s our countdown of the five biggest potential perverts in the TMNT universe, based on their real-life counterparts:
5. Bebop (a warthog)
Photo courtesy of Istockphoto
Warthogs are not attractive animals. With a face that looks like a cross between Condoleezza Rice and a three-week old rack of ribs, the thought of them having sex is slightly less appealing than… actually, no, there’s nothing less appealing than warthogs having sex. The way they do it doesn’t help: as well as practicing a form of sexual behavior called “overlap promiscuity” – essentially meaning that male warthogs just wander around like Charlie Sheen in Vegas, screwing any hapless female they encounter – they announce their intention to make sweet porcine love with a series of huge, explosive grunts that apparently sound just like an engine starting up. The really gross bit, though, is the male’s tendency to start drooling uncontrollably on sighting the female – something he continues to do for the hour or more he remains rooted on top of her. Swinging, spitting, grunting – imagine your fat, unmarried uncle having sex and you’re somewhere close (to throwing up in your own mouth).
"First time in prison, huh? It's ok, I'll be gentle."
4. Ace Duck (a duck)
Wait, you don’t remember Ace Duck? We’re not surprised: he was shit. But thank your Gods that this monstrosity doesn’t exist in the real world, because – and sorry, Daffy – ducks are assholes. Take the way they communicate to female ducks that they would like to have sex, for example. Does a duck do a little dance, or collect food and nesting to show he’s ready for fatherhood? Does he balls. He leaps on top of her, bites her neck and shoves her head under the water like he’s performing auto-erotic asphyxiation on a hooker in the local pool. Females are so used to being attacked indiscriminately by male ducks that some species have evolved corkscrew-shaped vaginas, just to keep them out. That’s right: they had to evolve anti-rape vaginas (they can re-arrange the shape when they find a duck that’s actually nice to them. You know, one who only half-drowns her and doesn’t threaten to stab her if she moves). And how does the male respond to this? If you’re an Argentine Lake Duck, you evolve a penis the same length as your body, complete with a miniature lint-brush on the end for getting the last rapist duck’s sperm out before he rapes you. Seriously: ducks. Assholes.
"Be warned: This duck was last seen prowling the parking lot of the 7-Eleven at 3AM, while his penis browsed for magazines nextdoor."
3. Rocksteady (a rhino)
Photo courtesy of Education Images/ Getty
If your potential girlfriend is a two-ton, rampaging, belligerent monster with two horns where her face should be, the usual things like make-up and a padded bra probably aren’t going to work. Still, that’s no excuse for the way a female rhino turns on a male: she walks up to an old pile of her own dung, and then pisses on it. Yep, that’s it: the rhino equivalent of three tequila slammers and a lap-dance is little more than a naked dirty protest. The male responds with a violent series of roars before mounting the female for up to three hours, during which time they continue to roar at each other non-stop (we asked an animal expert to translate these roars for us, but after two days he cut off his own face).
"Youse guys had better not be messin' with my pee-covered poop stash!"
2. Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael and Michelangelo (all turtles. Duh)
Photo courtesy of Istockphoto
Turtle sex is not pretty. In many species, the erect ‘organ’ is a third the length of their body – longer when you include the terrifying spike on the end. And they’re not just for screwing: they also display them as a defensive maneuver. In other words, should you startle four five-foot, anthropomorphic turtles in a blind alley, you would be greeted not by sweet-ass nunchucks and gleaming sai, but four, two-foot long, spiky purple turtle dongs, looming menacingly out of the darkness (that noise was the sound of your childhood shattering). If one of these turtles found a woman able to take this monstrous wang (was April O’Neil from Jersey?), she would have to endure the turtle’s bizarre mating habits: namely, shaking her roughly from side to side, loudly thwacking his reptilian cock against her back, then biting her on the head as he penetrates and stays on top for five full days. Leo; Mike; Donny; Raph: for shame.
"Look, it's Shred-Head! Everyone touch their own chin with the end of their penis!"
1. Splinter (a rat)
Photo by Oleg Kozlov/ istockphoto
Look at him. Just look at him. He’s a seedy middle-aged banker on a sex-tour of Bangkok, sitting in a steam room in a fake silk kimono, idly massaging his semi-on, waiting for a gaggle of transgender prostitutes to come and fulfill his every sordid whim. This bastard wouldn’t care if one of them was his own mother. Don’t take our word for it: rats are notoriously unpicky about their sexual partners, and have no problem whatsoever with incest, screwing their sisters, mothers, aunts and cousins with impunity (that’s a fancy word for “rat cock”). It doesn’t help that the females, when in heat, run around with – and we’re really, really sorry, but this is scientific fact – their “vaginas gaping open”, just waiting to be seen to by every rat in the subway. It only gets seedier. Rats like to take several goes at procreation, and between each one, the male will stop to give his genitals a good grooming, like – to go back to our seedy businessman in Bangkok analogy – a dirty old man shaving his pubes off before his next lady-boy encounter to try and avoid a second dose of crabs. It’s no wonder this dude ended up living in a sewer, refusing to wear pants and single-handedly raising four confused young boys in gimp masks.
"Ok, ok. And how much for the one with only one leg and no teeth?"