With The Legend Of Hercules out now, let's take a look at the dudes who could kick ass even with bare toes.
Sandals get a bad rap. Beloved of dads, geography teachers and people who wear them with socks, they’re the footwear equivalent of Steely Dan. But did you know that some of the world’s baddest bad-asses wore them? It’s true! And by “true” we mean, “so spurious that half of these are fictional.”
Not much is known about the real Spartacus beyond the fact he was a decent military tactician and the most memorable leader of the revolting slaves (that is, slaves who revolted) during the Third Servile War. But if you’re talking Hollywood-ized Spartacus, then dude! What a guy! He hacked apart a legion of enemy gladiators, boinked his way through the female population of ancient Rome and even banged out some hysterically overwrought synth-rock with Anthony Hopkins. Amazeballs!
Sandal Rocking Ability: We do have to question how smart his footwear of choice was in a society that tended to punish most things by hammering nails through your feet, but other than that, he was a Grade A hard-ass.
4. King Leonidas
Thanks to 300, most guys are pretty familiar with the six-packed, shouty King Leonidas. One or two factual inaccuracies aside – the 300 Spartans were actually joined by around 5,000 other Greeks, while the opposing army of Persians was in the region of 125,000, and, despite massively outnumbering Leonidas’ men, contained not a single ninja, fetish club or giant mutant battle-rhino – it’s still a pretty good representation of a man with balls so big he could have used them to block the Hot Gates by themselves.
Sandal Rocking Ability: Any man nuts enough to turn up to a fight wearing flip-flops and a miniskirt is ok in our book.
So, you want to make a game about a mythical Greek badass, but Heracles already took on and beat every beast that legend has to offer. What to do? Why, you make your brand new badass kill the gods themselves! So far, Kratos has killed Ares, the god of war; Poseidon, the god of the sea; Hades, Lord of the Underworld; and even Zeus himself, which doesn’t really leave much for a sequel, frankly, but what the hell – you know what it’s like when you get yourself on a god-killing spree: you just can’t stop after one, right?
Sandal Rocking Ability: Despite looking like a hippy swinging fire clubs at a music festival, we wouldn’t make fun of his shoes unless we wanted to be disemboweled, then re-emboweled anally.
Better known as “Hercules” (having been re-named by the Romans, who were too busy slaughtering everyone in sight to think up their own awesome myths), Heracles was Greek mythology’s ultimate badass. The son of Zeus started cultivating a rep early, by strangling two giant snakes when he was just eight months old, and later beating his music teacher to death with his own guitar (well, lyre). He spent the next several years kicking the crap out of virtually every monster in Ancient Greece; questing for the Golden Fleece; tearing shit up at Troy; and rescuing Prometheus from his rock (killing that pesky liver-scarfing eagle in the process). If you rolled Superman, Thor and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s dick into one oiled, rippling package, it still wouldn’t measure up to Heracles.
Sandal Rocking Ability: The dude didn’t even need sandals: he just wore them to dare you to make fun of him.
1. Mother Teresa
Without doubt, the toughest mother (see what we did there?) ever to rock a pair of sandals. Sure, the other guys fought gods and monsters, but she fought Satan! And while the rest of this list is comprised of big, buff dudes who looked normal wearing leopard-print loincloths, this was a little old lady who had nothing between her and certain fiery temptation but a dishtowel and a cheeky grin. Now that’s spunky!
Sandal Rocking Ability: Dude, her sandals have their own fan club.