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A world-renowned spy knows no limits in the world of tappable ass, but few ladies reach the heartstrings of a man like Archer...probably because they're behind a loaded .45 and the blackest turtleneck ever.


Archer's ex-girlfriend and fellow ISIS agent, his relationship with Lana is long, complicated and the definition of love/hate. Sure he cheated on her all the time and may occasionally call her a "quadroon", but Archer will always remain fond of Lana and her gigantic hands, especially when entering the danger zone.

Malory Archer -

Sterling's mother, boss and tormentor, Malory is single-handedly responsible for Archer's myriad of dysfunctions. She might have abandoned him in a police station on Christmas Eve, told him his father was an American war hero when he was actually the head of the KGB, or put a burn notice on him after a vodka binge, but none of that stops Archer from loving his mother like a good son should.

Trinette McGoon- When you're spreading your seed on an international level, occasionally someone's gonna get pregnant. Less occasionally is when they stay pregnant. That someone is Trinette, a go-to hooker Archer may have accidentally almost-murdered before accidentally knocking her up. Archer's son's name? Wee Baby Seamus Sterling McGoon-Archer.

Woodhouse- Archer's man servant, confidante and whipping boy, Woodhouse has stood by Archer since he was charged to care for him as a boy. Woodhouse has everything a spy could want in a right hand man; loyalty, patience and a crippling heroin addiction.

Framboise- Originally the fiancé of Archer's nemesis Barry, Framboise was offered up as a "perk" to entice Archer to quit ISIS and join their rival agency, ODIN. Having some random tail served up on a platter isn't exactly noteworthy for a spy of Archer's caliber...unless that tail is attached to the Pele of Anal.

Katya Kazanova- Archer's wife of 30 seconds, Katya was a Russian spy who hated aristocrats, bourgeoisie and capitalism. She also enjoyed stepping in front of Barry's oncoming bullets to save Archer's life, sacrificing herself and solidifying Archer's undying hatred for Barry. Actually, enjoyed might be too strong a word. Honestly though, we can't say we're sad about her demise. Anyone who tries to make Archer quit booze has got to go.

Random Newlyweds- In the wake of Katya's death, Archer disappeared to a random Pacific island for three months. Solace and meditation followed; as did drinking, bartending and banging honeymooners whose husbands were dumb enough to play golf instead of spend time with their new wives. Grief takes strange forms sometimes and, for Archer, it took the shape of a morally bankrupt version of the movie Cocktail.

Pirate Wenches- Being a Pirate King has its drawbacks; isolation from society, bloody mutiny, losing the pirate intermural lacrosse finals, but it does have its perks a legion of willing, barely clad Asian women at your beck and call.

Anka Schlotz- The 16-year-old heir to a European video tech services empire, Anka draws Archer in through shared memories of boarding schools and childhood abandonment but fails to seduce him. When an alpine snowmobile chase puts Anka's nipples in danger of hypothermia, Archer, the perennial gentleman, helps warm her up and is caught in the act by Lana, earning Archer some evil scowls and Anka the nickname Countess Von Fingerbang.

Tactical Turtlenecks- What is it about Azerbaijan cashmere, knitted into a snuggly fitting yet breathable bodyglove that makes Archer go weak-kneed? We're guessing it's the sheer luxury of a tailor-made garment...and the fact they provide ninja-like stealth and a healthy increase in agility and overall deadliness. Archer pioneered their use in the world of espionage and made the tactical turtleneck (the tactleneck) a staple of both spies and henchmen the world over.

The Many Loves of Sterling Malory Archer