These famous lovebirds take gigantic shits on the windshield of life.
Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes- It's a classic boy-meets-girl story: Boy's movie career is flagging. Boy's agent calls girl. Girl signs a contract to remain in relationship with boy. Boy won't shut the fuck up about how much he loves girl on Oprah. Boy and girl get married by aliens. Boy and girl "have" a baby. Boy and girl live happily ever after until the contract is up. Allegedly.
Sting & Trudie Styler- OK, we get it: You two love boffing in the ways of Tantra. You not only have sex for hours on end, you talk about it for hours on end. Please, for the love of Buddha, quit penetrating our ear holes with your endless Tantric tales. We're getting chafed waiting for the climax.
Paris Hilton & Tinkerbell- Greek aristocrats and Backstreet bimbos will come and go, but Paris will always have a microscopic Chihuahua to dress up in designer doggy duds and stuff into her $3,000 handbag. That is, until she accidently crushes him under her wallet.
David & Victoria Beckham- We were fine with "Becks and Posh" when they were on the other side of the Atlantic, getting on their own people's nerves. But now the weak-kneed soccer star and his fembot wife are on U.S. soil, filling TV screens, tabloids, store windows—pretty much everything but soccer stadiums.
Star Jones & Al Reynolds- Saggy-skinned Star is always defending her man's flaming heterosexuality, like in her memoir Shine, in which she wrote: "The first time he held me in his arms sexually, it was almost frightening because we knew our erotic interest in each other could take over every other thing." Um, like our ability to ever get erect again after reading that.
Nicole Richie & Joel Madden- Shortly after the Good Charlotte frontman dumped Hilary Duff for (reportedly) not putting out, he found a new 17-pound "celebrity" who would. And now she's got a kid in the oven to prove it. Knocked-up Nicole is now irritating for two!
Lance Armstrong & Matt McConaughey- They bike together shirtless, run together shirtless, party together shirtless, and, presumably, butt-screw each other shirtless. Yes, yes, you two love hanging out with each other, but can't you at least do it without bumping sweaty nipples?
Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony- When J.Lo was dating Ben Affleck, we could easily refer to them by their celebucouple name, Bennifer, and therefore save space while making fun of them. Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, however, don't have such a nickname (Jennifarc? Lopethony?), and that's irritating to us because we can't efficiently make fun of them in the space prov—
Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt- We heart Heidi and all, and maybe just jealousy, but if we have to
see another fake photo of The Hills' villainous couple posed inside
a handsome carriage or outside the White House, we may claw out our
eyes. And that sucks, because we have amazingly sparkly eyeballs.
Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon- Gossip rag covers seem empty without photos of Brangelomkat these days. Fortunately, they have these two goons—who were dopey enough to recently elope in the Bahamas—plastered all over them. We wish they'd just go away and, after Mimi admitted to having a prenup, we're pretty sure they will!