The X-Files (9th Season Opener)

Gone are the days when Mulder and Scully spent their time chasing aliens and solving mysteries, pausing occasionally to question the identity of the Cigarette-Smoking Man or look for Mulder’s sister. The two-part season premiere is all conspiracy, all the time. We’re not exactly sure what the conspiracy is, but we can tell by the soundtrack that it’s very dramatic. In fact, the show now uses the same foreboding melodies when an agent breaks a pencil that they use for earth-shattering revelations.Since David Duchovny left the show, Mulder has unexpectedly vanished. When Agent T-1000 asks Scully where he is, she replies melodramatically, “He’s gone. He’s just gone,” which clears everything right up. Of course, his disappearance is all part of the conspiracy haunting the new group of agents who have truly perfected the look of confused indignation. The only positive addition to the show is Lucy Lawless as a mysterious villainess with a penchant for skinny-dipping. We don’t know who she is, but we admire any girl who can hold her breath for that long.Resist as we might, we’ll still probably watch to find out what happens to Scully and child. But Chupacabra, if you’re reading this, we miss you.