October baseball is officially underway, as are the new seasons of House, The Onion News Network and South Park. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, September!
Monday, Oct. 3
9:00 p.m. House (Fox)
We'd probably drive our car through a house to get to Dr. Cuddy (Lisa Edelstein), too, but we're not sure if it'd be worth going to jail for. (We've watched Beyond Scared Straight... and Oz. Shudder.) It definitely wasn't worth it for House (Hugh Laurie), as he's spending the eighth season premiere behind bars and being threatened by gang leaders. Even worse? His only ally to help him in the joint is guest star Jaleel White, a.k.a. Urkel, who probably whines "Did I do that?" after he shanks you.
Tuesday, Oct. 4
10:00 p.m. Onion News Network (IFC)
Since we already get all of our news from a fake news source/comedy show (as far as we're concerned, The Daily Show is more legit than most actual news outlets), we'll probably take every thing reported on the second season of the Onion News Network, which debuts tonight, just as seriously. Although, not as seriously as these hilariously ill-informed bastards. The truth: Just like the dependably funny Daily Show has Olivia Munn, the equally amusing "Onion" has some real hot fake news casters, including Suzanne Sena as anchor Brooke Alverez.
Wednesday, Oct. 5
1:35 a.m. Last Call with Carson Daly (NBC)
Carson Daly is still a tool, but we're willing to forgive him for his unfair dating record (the lovely Jennifer Love Hewitt, a pre-off-her-rocker Tara Reid), his unfair career (hosting wildly successful shows like TRL and The Voice, both of which allowed him to spend ample time with Christina Aguilera) and his general unfair state of being. Well, we're willing to let all that go for tonight at least. That's because Daly is having both the ultimate hot/funny double threat Kaitlin Olson of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and singer Lykke Li as guests on his late, late talk show. Since we're already in a forgiving mood, we'll let Lykke Li off the hook for the unlikely (boom! nailed it!)spelling of her name.
10:00 p.m. American Horror Story (FX)
If you move into a house that even slightly resembles a haunted old mansion that's inhabited by ghosts that you've seen in every horror movie ever, you can pretty much bank on the thing being a haunted old mansion that's inhabited by ghosts. The family from the new sexy and terrifying (what a combo!) FX series, which debuts tonight, clearly didn't get that memo. The troubled Harmon clan (Dylan McDermott, Connie Britton, and Taissa Farmiga) move into a rickety Victorian house whose former residents were up to some seriously spooky things. Namely, murder-suicides. (Try and handle that, Scooby Doo!) Don't let the fact that it's brought to you by Ryan Murphy (Glee) scare you off: It's one of the best new shows of the season, not to mention the most frightening thing you've ever seen on prime time TV. Well, besides Glee.
10:00 p.m. South Park (Comedy Central)
South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone gave us a bit of a scare (c'mon guys, we're already jumpy enough from American Horror Story) during their mid-season finale episode "You're Getting Old" when it seemed like they were not-so-subtly telling fans they were sick of their show and were calling it quits. Thankfully, both the guys and their still-awesome show (case in point: Funnybot) are back for the second half of their 15th season. The timing could not be better either, as the annoying new Facebook re-vamp needs some "South Park" satirizing soon. Suck it, Zuck!
Sunday, Oct. 9
10:00 p.m. Breaking Bad (AMC)
This has been the best, bloodiest, and most bad-ass season of Breaking Bad yet, so we're conflicted about the fourth season finale. While we can't wait to find out what happens when Walt (the baddest, baldest dude out there, Bryan Cranston) and Jesse (the hair follicle-d, but still cool in our book, Aaron Paul) face off against Gus (Giancarlo Espisito), we also don't know how we're going to fill the Breaking Bad-shaped void in our lives with it gone. Ooh, we've got it: With meth! (Editor's note: Do not start a meth lab or take meth. That's a terrible idea and you clearly haven't watched the shit hit the proverbial meth-infused fan all season on Breaking Bad.)
Playoff Baseball...All Freakin' Week
MLB Playoffs (Fox, TBS)
Will Derek Jeter be able to keep his nickname Mr. October and lead his New York Yankees to American League playoff victories in the chase to nab their 28th World Series title? (We're not sure, but we're certainly happy Minka Kelly didn't become Mrs. October.) Will the Philadelphia Phillies be able to bring baseball pride back to Pennsylvania (hey, remember that time the Pittsburgh Pirates tried to play baseball? Adorable!) with National League domination? All of your burning questions (you may want to see a doctor about some of those other ones, though) will be answered when the Division and Championship series play out all day, damn near every day on television. Play ball!