Talking dogs, squid testicles and a pile of weed - what could go wrong?
Monday, June 27
10:00 p.m. Weeds (Showtime)
If you thought Nancy Botwin (just-keeps-getting-better-with-age Mary-Louise Parker) turning herself into the fuzz and spending three years in the clink meant her drug-dealing days were going to pot, think again. The seventh season, which premieres tonight, finds newly-released Nancy getting ready to head to New York City to expand her illegal enterprise. And just in case you were wondering, yes, everyone who sells weed in NYC looks just like her.
Tuesday, June 28
8:00 p.m. The Voice (NBC)
The last thing we wanted or needed was another singing competition show, seeing as American Idol has long since jumped the shark and landed straight in squid gonad-infested waters. But, surprisingly enough, despite the fact that it's hosted by human Ambien Carson Daly, The Voice has been an entertaining-enough bit of summer television thanks to its talented hopefuls (one of which will win...something...during tonight's finale) and the non-lame judges panel that includes Blake Shelton, Cee Lo Green, Adam Levine, and, of course, Christina Aguilera.
Wednesday, June 29
10:00 p.m. Necessary Roughness (USA)
No, this isn't USA rerunning the shitty, yet somehow infinitely re-watchable 1991 football comedy (whose inexplicable cast included--no joke--Sinbad, Scott Bakula, Kathy Ireland, Jason Bateman, and Robert Loggia) of the same name. Rather, it's a new drama about therapist Dr. Dani Santino ("Rescue Me" actress Callie Thorne) who is given the task of helping a hot-headed pro football star named Terrence King (Mehcad Brooks) figure out why he's such an egotistical jerk. We're guessing it's probably because he's a pro football star with an inflated salary and sense of self-worth. Boom, he's diagnosed! That'll be $100.
Thursday, June 30
10:00 p.m. Wilfred (FX)
Last week, we got totally hooked on this supremely bizarre, but hilarious imported dark comedy about a suicidal guy named Ryan (Elijah Wood) who sparks up a relationship--sometimes literally, as they even smoked dope together--with his neighbor's charming, but manipulative pooch (Aussie actor Jason Gann, in a dog suit, reviving his role from the original). In the premiere alone, Wilfred managed to get Ryan to turn down a cushy job offer and break into someone's home. In tonight's new ep, he does the ultimate dirty dog trick and attempts a cock block. Nevertheless, he may just be our favorite talking dog on television since Brian from Family Guy.
11:00 p.m. Chelsea Lately (E!)
Chelsea Handler's late night gab fest is already a constant fixture on our DVR (c'mon, she's hot and funny and has a midget sidekick, of course we're there!) But, this installment will likely get upgraded to "Keep Forever... And If You Even Think About Deleting This Or Making Space For The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, You're A Dead Man" status when Transformers mega babe (and our current cover girl) Rosie Huntington-Whiteley stops by for a chat.
Saturday, July 2
10:00 p.m. Shark Men (NGC)
We've still got some time to kill until the Discovery Channel's Shark Week starts, but thankfully National Geographic Channel has stepped in to feed our need for bleed with their series Shark Men (which, as we quickly learned, to some disappointment, was not about the sneaky land shark.) Turns out, these mad Men don't just go looking for great whites, but other frighteningly awesome sea creatures like giant squids, as well. In this ep, the crew goes all Fear Factor and tries to attract one by making chum out of blended squid gonads. Nature!
Sunday, July 3
9:00 p.m. Food Network Star (Food Network)
Just in time for 4th of July festivities, the current contestants must cook up some classic American outdoor grilling dishes like, we can only hope/assume, hot dogs and hamburgers (just remember, you don't win friends--or Food Network Star--with salad!) Luckily, former Food Network Star winner and current Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives host Guy Fieri will swing by, share his greasy food expertise, and shout some inane catch phrase like, "This barbecue sauce is money sauce, hombre!"