Congratulations! You have won a free case of salmonella with your purchase!
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According to forensic botanist Heather Miller Coyle, associate professor at the University of New Haven, CT, there is something very wrong with your weed. No, not the fact that you’re sure your buddy Dave is overcharging you for it; the fact that there is so little regulation – especially in California, where only around 7% of weed is tested for anything beyond its THC content – that a lot of so-called medical marijuana is actually crawling with harmful substances. Substances like...
Due to the unregulated nature of growing, and the dank, humid conditions for a lot of marijuana storage/transportation, mold, fungi, and mildew are all relatively common things to find in your doobie. Any one of these could cause a nasty allergic reaction, since – surprise – inhaling spores is not terribly good for your lungs. Few things will harsh your mellow like anaphylactic shock.
This one shouldn’t be a surprise, since the food industry monitors its own leafy green stuff – that is, lettuce – very carefully for the bacteria, which, if ingested, can cause diarrhea, vomiting, fever, cramps, severe dehydration, and in a few unfortunate cases, death. On the other hand, at least it will prevent you from getting the munchies.
3. Dead Insects
These are highly unlikely to kill you, it’s true. But doesn’t it gross you out to think you might have just inhaled a couple of aphids with your morning toke?
Remember that unregulated growing we talked about? It turns out, if people aren’t being monitored, they’ll spray their crop with any old crap to keep it “healthy,” and that stuff tends to be a noxious brew of chemicals that could turn out to be toxic when smoked. Smokers in Colorado are generally better off, what with the state’s more rigorous testing and stricter standards, but even there, marijuana won’t even start getting tested for pesticides until some time next year. And if you’re in Cali? Fuggedaboutit.
5. E. coli
And finally, it’s everyone’s favorite ass-to-mouth disease, E. coli, which can be responsible for everything from urinary tract infections to hideous, bloody-stooled, kidney-failing death. Fun!
So, all in all, it sounds pretty grim for your stash, huh? That’s why, in the interests of public safety, the editorial staff of Maxim would like to offer our services as guinea pigs for the testing of all medical marijuana prior to public consumption. Think about it: Not only are we used to working for peanuts, but as a bunch of semi-literate, bathing-averse, horribly out of shape half-wits, we’re the perfect representative sample group for habitual weed-smokers anyway. It’s a win-win situation for everyone!