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New Year, Same You

New Year's resolutions are for quitters. Instead, just cover up your vices with our handy guide.

Each New Year brings with it a reoccurring promise to oneself to make better life choices. The only problem is, that almost always translates into giving up the only things that make life tolerable – namely, food, booze, porn, and other vices. So this year, rather than focus on what we’re going to give up, here are five ways we plan to carry on with our depraved excesses – but with a covert twist.

 

Don’t Quit Watching Porn…Keep it on a Flash Drive.

Watching porn is one of those tolerated bugaboos that your significant other knows you partake in every so often – kinda like that five minutes of freak show viewing of any TLC TV show. Despite its increasing acceptance, stumbling across a cache of porn with keywords that, incidentally, sound quite similar to TLC lineup (Amish, little people, cake) can put a strain on any relationship. Enter the Apple-compatible Victorinox Swiss Army 32GB Jetsetter Flashdrive. Covertly save your spank bank stash on a stylish drive so you can log on and get off any time you want to without prying eyes and a Google history there to judge you. Plus, since the Victorinox also boasts Swiss Army functionality, including the mini-scissors and screwdriver, carrying it around all the time will seem a lot less suspect.


Don’t Quit Being Fat and Out of Shape…Wear Spanx for Men.

For the uninitiated, Spanx hosiery is that not-so-secret dirty little secret that woman often employ to “tighten” problem areas on their bodies. Well, this is the age of gender equality, so why should we have to shed the pounds in real life when we can just toss on a pair of Spanx for men and make it appear as if we have chiseled muscles (albeit, stuffed inside of a Vienna Beef hot dog)? Forget the fad workouts like CrossFit or the P90x and pick up a couple pairs of Spanx; then proceed to bathe in the glowing compliments that await you in 2013.
 

Don’t Quit Smoking…Smoke Weed Instead.

Photo by Lukasz Laska / Getty Images

Cigarette smokers are the modern day lepers: no one wants to be around them. More and more businesses, bars, and restaurants insist that smokers not only abstain from smoking inside, but also in the surrounding areas. Changing political sentiments regarding marijuana, on the other hand, show a trend toward leniency with respect to the formerly illicit drug. With complete legality in Colorado and Washington – as well as 17 other states (and DC) with medicinal marijuana programs – you don't have to give up smoking altogether; just hit the bong instead. And if you can’t do that, keep a pack of electronic cigs on-hand (like EverSmokes or NJOYs), because it’s better to look like a jackass than get cancer.
 

Don’t Quit Being a Slob…Just Hire a Sexy Maid to Clean Your Place

Photo by Tony Anderson / Getty Images

Much like porn, if you can think of something, it’s probably on the Internet somewhere. Lucky for all of us slovenly men out there, the idea of a sexy maid doesn’t have to be a fantasy reserved for Halloween. It turns out that there’s a quaint little service out there that will supply a completely nude woman to clean your entire place for $80 bucks. Even better, Sexy Maids For Hire's website indicates that, “clients are welcome to be dressed however they wish, including nude.” Is it incredibly creepy? Absolutely. But aren’t all the best things in life?
 

Don’t Quit Sending Dick Picks…Just Use Snapchat

Photo by Image Source / Getty Images

Sending out a picture of your tallywhacker can be both energizing and terrifying. Taking it seems like a good idea. Sending it to a person who you think will enjoy a headshot of your trouser Cyclops seems even better. It’s not until you realize that you’ve created an explicit hieroglyph that will live on for generations that the trepidation sets in. Thanks to Snapchat – a new app that lets users determine how long a picture can be viewed before being deleted forever – a sender can now treat their junk like a piece of vital intel from a Mission Impossible film. “This sext will self-destruct in 10 seconds…” Are you listening, Brett Favre?

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