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Write Your Own New TV Series: An Interactive Guide

If you look at the dreck that network executives have foisted on the American public this season -- Whitney, Terra Nova, 2 Broke Girls -- your first question is probably: "How can a show that could very well have been written by 100 monkeys pounding away randomly on a cliche machine become successful?" 

And your second question is probably: "How do I get a gig writing this crap?"

Well, we can't get you an agent, or guarantee that your new show will be greenlit for a full season, but we can take care of Step 1: writing your own 2011-season television series.

All you need is some dice.

So here's how it works. Starting from the top and working your way down, roll one die and write down what it says, then continue until your network pitch is complete. Simple!

1 - A former indie-film actress known for playing quirky, sarcastic teens

2 - Whitney Cummings

3 - A generic action-hero actor

4 - A wide-eyed ingenue known best for once dating an A-lister

5 - Someone from Entourage or Lost

6 - Whitney Cummings

... plays a ...

1 - cop from a dystopian future

2 - sassy waitron

3 - rogue secret agent

4 - sassy work-at-home photographer

5 - ill-mannered lifestyle consultant

6 -  fancy New York doctor

... who ... 

1 - travels the country incognito

2 - lives in an unrealistically spacious New York apartment

3 - works in a Williamsburg diner

4 - is sent millions of years into the past

5 - is forced to move to a backwards Southern town 

6 - lives in a glamorized version of whenever Mad Men took place

... and finds an unlikely companion in ...

1 - a grizzled military man played by that dude from Avatar

2 - a spoiled socialite who is now down-and-out

3 - a slacker boyfriend

4 - a stewardess who is also a secret agent

5 - an eccentric local yokel who is wiser than he seems

6 - an uptight, socially awkward nebbish

... and takes on ...

1 - society's expectations for young unmarrieds.

2 - poverty -- but in a fun way!

3 - a beautiful but savage new world inhabited by wild creatures and a rival gang.

4 - the intelligence community.

5 - the protagonist's own prejudices.

6 - a grueling and eclectic work schedule -- and spies!

And the best part is ...

1 - cone-shaped bras and sexy uniforms!

2 - dinosaurs!

3 - outdated stereotypes and jokes that could have been written in the '90s!

4 - the occasional gratuitous dance number!

5 - everything is shot with a soft filter to make it look old-timey!

6 - the obnoxious laugh track!

And the mid-season twist is ...

1 - amnesia!

2 - a horse!

3 - the protagonist's ex is played by someone mildly famous!

4 - the protagonist's father is played by someone mildly famous!

5 - the love interest turns out to be a secret agent!

6 - they have sex!

Now go write your first 13 episodes!