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Why settle for the same old holiday specials they trot out every Christmas? It’s about time the likes of Frosty the Snowman and Ernest Saves Hanukkah were put out to pasture in favor of these soon-to-be classics.
Eminem’s Yuletide Dis Fest
This variety special is fun for the whole family, as music’s angriest superstar welcomes a who’s who of people who piss him off! Watch him lay season’s beatings on his mom, who never loved him! See Moby’s performance of “O Tannenbaum” end with Slim Shady kicking his bald vegan head! Feel the joy as a holiday message from Lynne Cheney is interrupted by Em’s invitation for the vice-presidential wife to ______ his ______!
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Wino
You’ll be drunk with Christmas spirit after this hearty holiday brew! Banned from his favorite bar, Rudolph sets out to find a pal to buy him some booze. Luckily, he runs into kindhearted misfits Black Jack Cornelius the compulsive gambler and Herpie the sex-addict elf. They have a grand time—until they run into the Abominable Snow Interventionist. Will Rudolph seek treatment or just one more gallon of eggnog?
A Very Naked Christmas
The economy forces North Pole cutbacks, so elves Candi and Rosie (famed exhibitionists Britney Spears and Alyssa Milano) are left without clothing. When they protest, a whip-wielding Mrs. Claus (Catherine Zeta-Jones) punishes them for their insolence. Luckily, they meet a friendly reindeer, who provides body heat, and a handy sled (Pamela Anderson). They soon learn that Christmas is all about love—with multiple partners.
Santa Claus is coming to town—for a no-holds-barred cage match with his fiercest enemy, Scrooge, live on pay-per-view! The bad blood started when Ebenezer blindsided St. Nick with a folding chair. Now it’s personal. “God bless us every one,” says Scrooge. “Except that jolly fat man—he’s mine!” For his part, Santa predicts easy victory. “Humbug Boy messed with the wrong saint, if you can smell what the Claus is cookin’.”
A Middle-Aged Charlie Brown Christmas
As the holidays near, the aging Peanuts gang struggle with the loss of virility, enthusiasm, and speech (“WAH-wah-WAH-wah-wah-WAH,” cries Linus in one poignant scene). Fifty-year-old virgin Charlie Brown is still looking for the true meaning of Christmas—by stalking the little red-haired girl (now an obese red-haired mother of four). Meanwhile, Snoopy, now 364 in dog years, just pees on the fruitcake.
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