The Muppets, starring Jason Segel, Amy Adams, and a whole bunch of Muppets, is hitting the big screen for the tenth time. But what if a fuzzy asteroid hit the Henson headquarters and every Muppet was wiped from the face of the earth, forcing humans to take their place? In preparation for the playful marionette-puppet-hybrid apocalypse, here’s our suggested cast list. Wokka, wokka!
Tiffany Pollard a.k.a. “New York” as Janice
Pollard has been VH1’s main source of income from 2006 to 2008 and a dead ringer for Janice, the lead guitar in the Electric Mayhem, the Muppet Show band. As the old saying goes, one man’s reality cash cow is another's Muppet lookalike.
Rip Taylor as The Swedish Chef
These two have so much in common. One loves confetti, the other loves spaghetti!
Steven Tyler as Animal
Tyler beat drums!!! Aerosmith front man Steven Tyler’s popularity peaked again this year when he served as an American Idol judge, and then he slipped and fell in a bathroom and broke his face. This is so Animal, the furry red ball of energy and the only drummer to ever stand out since that guy from Def Leppard learned to play with one arm.
Seth Rogen as Fozzie Bear
Rogen played a struggling up-and-coming comic in Funny People, which is the story of Fozzie Bear’s entire career. Plus, we like to imagine that Seth Rogen would put the weight back on, let himself get super hairy, and make us laugh again.
Rachel Dratch as Gonzo
Surely the woman who played a space lesbian, Elijah Wood, Harry Potter, and Debbie Downer on Saturday Night Live can pull off Gonzo, the sketchy, Cosmo Kramer-like character of the bunch, whose species is unknown.
Jennifer Coolidge as Miss Piggy
Jennifer Coolidge has made her mark in Hollywood by playing buxom blonde characters with tight dresses, low necklines, long blonde hair, and lots of pink in films like Legally Blonde and Best in Show. Her character in American Pie gave birth to the whole MILF craze, which is overdue for some muppetfication: Gentleman, welcome to the era of PILF.
Weird Al as Rowlf the Dog
Weird Al makes funny music, Rowlf the Dog plays Muppet music. Weird Al has long brown hair; Rowlf has long brown ears. Weird Al has a goofy smile; Rowlf has a goofy smile. Now that we think about it, perhaps they’re already the same person. You never see them in the same room together. Someone get MythBusters on the phone, stat!
Morley Safer and Bob Schieffer as Statler and Waldorf
Morley Safer of 60 Minutes and Face the Nation’s Bob Schieffer are hardly funny hecklers like Statler and Waldorf, but hey, they’re old and still alive (we think) so we’re sticking with this pair. Moving on…
Mitt Romney as Sam the Eagle
Those eyebrows. Those Conservative politics. Both push wholesome American values and morals, and both are Mormon! (Okay, maybe we made one of those things up.)
Michael Cera as Kermit
Not only does Michael Cera have the Kermit lips (look closely…okay, too close), but they both have a likeable, awkwardness that Cera has down cold with every role he’s ever played.
Conan O’Brien as Beaker
These two might not have a whole lot in common besides their hairstyles, but a Muppet-to-human list just doesn't feel right without CoCo in the mix, right?
Willie Garson as Bunsen
You might not know actor Willie Garson by name, but you’ve seen him before. He’s popped up in Groundhog Day, There’s Something About Mary, and the TV show White Collar. All we’d have to do to transform him into Bunsen is poke out his eyeballs and feed him some bad seafood. It’s a small price to pay for Muppet immortality, Garson.