Our top TV picks: Pawn Stars, South Park, hell, anything but the Royal Wedding.
Monday, April 25
10:00 p.m. Pawn Stars (History)
The reality series--which undoubtedly causes a lot of confusion and disappointment in the Boston area--is airing a brand-new episode entitled "Pom Pom Pawn." In this installment, a former 49ers cheerleader drops in to get an estimate on her 1989 Super Bowl ring. The value of a Super Bowl ring from 22 years ago: TBD. Having a piece of football history thanks to Joe Montana's game-winning pass: Apparently, not-so-priceless.
Tuesday, April 26
8:00 p.m. Repo Games (Spike TV)
If people pawning their valuables wasn't enough to give you your schadenfreude fix for the week, you can also watch this new game show in which repo men allow people who have fallen on tough times to win back their repossessed cars. That is, of course, only if they can correctly answer trivia questions. These contestants better hope like hell that they are up to snuff on their general knowledge, or are, in the very least, capable of hailing the Cash Cab for their inevitable car-less existence.
Wednesday, April 27
10:00 p.m. South Park (Comedy Central)
Last season the utterly brilliant animated comedy series brought us such memorable episodes as the Kardashian-slaying "Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs," the Facebook-skewering "You Have 0 Friends" and the Snooki-smashing "It's a Jersey Thing." We can only begin to imagine what kinds of demented genius Trey Parker and Matt Stone will provide in this, their 15th (!) season.
Thu, April, 28-Sat, April 30
Check local listings for times, NFL Draft (ESPN, NFL Network)
For three straight days you'll get to watch as legions of talented young athletes receive mind-blowing contract offers as they get drafted into your future fantasy football leagues. Or, if we're being all technical here, the NFL.
Saturday, April 30
7:00 p.m., NASCAR Racing: Sprint Cup in Richmond (Fox)
Prolong your sports marathon a little longer and try not to to get dizzy over the next four hours as you watch NASCAR greats like Jeff Gordon and last year's winners Denny Hamlin and Kyle Busch compete by driving in circles. Of course, we know who the real winners are here: anyone attending the Matthew and Daniel Hansen 400 in Richmond with a mullet (read: everyone.)
Sunday, May 1
10:00 p.m., In Plain Sight (USA)
Getting placed in the Witness Protection Program never seemed like a bad deal to us. After all, you get a fun new name, you get to move for free, leave your job, and your exes can't track you down anymore. But, we'd be even more keen on the idea if we had an officer who looked like Mary Shannon/Shepard (Mary McCormack) on our case. The fourth season of the USA drama begins tonight and we'll definitely be watching....or will we?! Yes, yes we will. But, where?...You'll never know. (It's our couch.)