A few days ago, one confused individual asked the Guardian's Sexual Healing advice column the following question: “My girlfriend masturbates after we have sex. Why?”
To elaborate on his dilemma, the baffled fella added some extra details: “I have been in a relationship for nine months. I thought the sex was good for us both, but when we finish she tells me to shower. I wondered why, and now I know – she masturbates. She has done it multiple times; I think she is insatiable. What should I do?”
In other words, he's saying "I flopped around on top of her for a couple minutes and I'm kinda sorta pretty sure she came, but I'm also not entirely certain, but still, why does she need an orgasm after we do the sex? I finished!"
Unsurprisingly, this post went viral. First of all, it’s a naïve question that almost makes you feel bad for the guy and the oblivion he resides in, and second, the answer is extremely clear.
There's basically only one reason why people masturbate: They're horny. And the girlfriend in question obviously masturbates because this dude didn't take care of her womanly needs well enough. Come on, man. You already knew this. And to be sent to go shower so she can take care of it herself? Yikes. That's insulting.
But perhaps worse than the question itself was the answer given to him by the "sexpert" columnist, who said: "Have your shower and let her get on with it. Such behaviour is very common and you need not worry that she secretly dislikes making love with you."
"Many women crave a second orgasm, especially if she has been super-aroused during intercourse. Perhaps she doesn’t want to bother you for that extra pleasuring, or maybe she is afraid you might think her too demanding."
Riiight. I don't think that's what's going on here. Dude who submitted the question, if you're reading this, don't listen to that "advice." It won't exactly help your cause.
And The Twittersphere wasn't exactly too understanding about this poor fella's confusion, either.
In his defense, though, we don't know if he's legit incompetent in bed, or if he actually knows what he's doing and his girlfriend just needs to rub another one out to be fully satisfied. Who knows?
But then again, if his girlfriend is sending him to the bathroom for bath time so she can get herself off in peace, the former might be the issue.
And if it is, here are three actual pieces advice on how to get a woman to orgasm:
1. Try to "Golden Trio" method
According to a study conducted by Chapman University, Indiana University, and the Kinsey Institute, women are more likely to get off if the sexual encounter includes the "golden trio" of: “deep kissing, manual genital stimulation, and/or oral sex in addition to vaginal intercourse.”
2. Let your hands wander
It's a proven fact that (most) women can orgasm from five distinct areas -- the clitoris, the G-spot, the cervix, nipples, and earlobes. Most men confine their hands to the clit, which is fine and all, but it's more productive to wander a little and see what happens. Touch, kiss, whatever. Trust.
3. Toke up together
It's no secret that everything feels really, really good when you’re high, including sex, which is why a lot of people want to take their pants off and get weird after a few hits.
So, smoke a little weed together. Your inhibitions will melt away into nothing, and every touch will feel extra tingly and arousing, which is never a bad thing.
But please note the key word here: a little. You don't want to get too faded and start thinking of conspiracy theories or leprechauns or something. That would just kill the mood.
Good luck out there, anonymous question man. And everyone else.