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H. Jon Benjamin: “If I don’t get drunk, the terrorists win!”

The comedian - and voice of Archer and Bob of Bob’s Burgers - answers the same 10 questions we always ask everyone!

 

 

If you had to choose one show to survive, would you pick Archer or Bob’s Burgers?

That’s a very nasty question.

 

Sorry!

So, it’s like Sophie’s Choice with the two shows? I would like to decide their fate like that movie with the button. I would like to push the button and have it be random.

 

You’re taking Bob’s Burgers on tour as a live show, right?

Yeah, we’re doing a West Coast tour of six shows, in San Diego, L.A., San Francisco, Seattle, and Portland. The West Coast swing. We did it once in Madison, Wisconsin, which is where all shows start - all Broadway shows start in either Madison, Wisconsin, or London. But we did a show there and it was fun and worked out - everyone in the show is a performer, so it’s kind of like everybody does a set of comedy, then the creator of the show comes out and we do a table read and go over scenes that haven’t been covered before, and there are surprises and a big finish with confetti (depending if Party City is open).

 

You had us at confetti. If you could speak as Bob for a moment, who’s your favorite child on the show?

It’s hard to speak as Bob, because I don’t like the kids, but Bob, I think, really does like his kids. He has three kids and I only have one, so I don’t have to chose who I don’t like, it was done for me. Bob gets to have peak and valley moments with all of them, so it’s nice to have more than one kid, I guess – if you’re not enjoying one, you could potentially enjoy the other two.

 

Do you at least get to put your real child to work in the way that Bob does?

I don’t really have a job, so I’m teaching them to make tea and occasionally they will take down the recycling.

 

 

We mentioned Archer earlier - what are your three biggest fears?

Not necessarily in this order, but Jews, large statues - because they have always made me uncomfortable - and then the last one would be leaving my apartment. So yeah, it’s a real bad situation.

 

You’ve worked with several members of the cast of Arrested Development over the years – any chance we’ll see you in the new season, or maybe the movie?

I’m not in it. I didn’t know that they were making a movie, but certainly the people at Archer are well represented. I wasn’t asked and I guess maybe it’s too late, because they already made it. Maybe I can do a re-shoot.

 

What’s the weirdest voice artist request you’ve ever received?

I was once asked to narrate a guy jerking off. No, that’s not true. Yeah, that might be true. I get a lot of cell phones in my face, like, “Leave my message!” It’s not unusual but it is unusually obnoxious. Recently, a kid came up when I was walking to the gym, and he was doing the phone without even asking, going, “Hold on, I want you to make my voicemail.” He was completely oblivious to the fact that it takes two and a half minutes to do that, and it’s not the right thing to do. He’s like, “Hold on, I have to get onto it and then press one and press two…” And I’m like, “No. We aren’t doing this. I hate to break it to you, but, Jesus.” And he walked with me for three quarters of a block!

 

AND NOW: THE SAME 10 QUESTIONS WE ALWAYS ASK EVERYONE!

 

What was the last thing you had to apologize for?

I say sorry a lot, but I want to make it special. Let me see… I think it was to my girlfriend for being mean, as recently as 14 hours ago. No, you know what, I apologized to my son for critiquing his poem harshly. He had to write a poem, so I critiqued it pretty harshly, and then I apologized because I don’t think he had ever read a poem before. So then I tried to show him a poem, which, really, I should have done first…

 

What’s your favorite curse word?

I say fuck a lot, so that would be it. And I like to fuck, so that works out perfectly. I like to say “fuck” while I fuck.

 

So you can explain yourself?

Yes, I like to describe the act as it’s happening. I like to say “fuck, fuck, fuck.” It’s just to keep me in it and keep my head in the game.

 

A sort of profane version of baseball.

Yes, it’s very literal.

 

Your Archer co-star, Judy Greer, told us she likes to say “Fuckballs and lemonade.”

Well that’s not a curse word, that’s some cutesy contrivance of a swear.

 

Do you have a contrived swear phrase?

You dirty c*** box.

 

 

Lovely! What’s the worst hangover you’ve ever had?

I’ve had a lot of bad hangovers, but I think there was one when I was in Paris for the bicentennial party, and I fell asleep on the hood of a car. I was woken up 40 minutes later by a street cleaner who was spraying water - they were just spraying water everywhere and I got water on me. It was like a high-powered water gun that was cleaning the streets. It was going and cleaning the cars as well, so that felt bad. I think number two was - and I feel bad about this, but  - 9/11, when I lived in Tribeca. So I’ve had a lot of traumatic wake-ups. I really have to pick my nights better.

 

So are you scared when you get drunk now that there’ll be a disaster the next day?

If I don’t get drunk, the terrorists win!

 

That needs to be on a T-shirt. What was your first car?

I think it was a 1976 Midget - it’s British. It broke down I think two months after I got it. It was hard finding parts for that car. It was in high school and a weird first car to buy, but it coincided with my Dad’s mid-life crisis, so I think we kind of shared it.

 

Do you have a scar that tells a story?

Yes, I have a scar on my thigh where I removed a mole, and the scar tissue formed into the story of the exodus of the Jews from Egypt.

 

That’s pretty impressive. Do you have a party trick?

I can do the splits.

 

Really..?

Yeah! Well, not the full thing, but I can do a disco split, you know what I mean? Like a scissor split, but I can still do it and I’m well into my forties. I can jump up really high and land perfectly and fly back up like a Dance Party USA type thing.

 

What’s the biggest thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?

Hulk Hogan’s dick. Wow, um, I’ve shoved a lot of things in there and I don’t have a big mouth. My mouth is really, really small, so I would say a ping pong ball.

 

What’s the one thing to remember in a fist fight?

Always punch first, which is a very hard thing to do, but get in the first punch. It’s crucial, but not a lot of people have that tendency and they wait too long. I learned that from kids who would get in a lot of fights, and one thing that would be the common factor in their success is that they don’t wait - there’s no talking. But it takes a bit of a crazy personality to do that, because there is no remorse and a little less fear.

 

Have you learned anything about fighting from Archer?

I can barely do the elliptical, so no.

 

Who was the last person to see you naked?

I don’t want to say my maid, but I do. It’s an easy way of saying I’m having an affair with my house cleaner.

 

Finish this sentence: If I ruled the world for a day, I would…

Sleep through it. I need the rest.

 

Watch Bob's Burgers on Sundays on Fox.

 

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