America has a hard choice to make: With two thoroughly unlikable franchises going head to head in the Super Bowl, who will we, as people, opt to root against. The team you loath, after all, says far more about you than the team you kind of like. And, this year, it’s even harder to choose because the underdogs have all been put down. Last year’s champ is going up against the franchise that has dominated football for the last fifteen years. It’s a hard question to answer, but there is a right decision. Screw the Seahawks.
1. The 12th Man
The loudest fan base in professional football is thick with yuppies who’d rather be at a Sounders soccer game. They throw Skittles on the field to celebrate Marshawn Lynch’s juvenile palate. Congrats University of Phoenix Field Staff, you know have an ant problem.
2. Pete Carroll
Before he brought USC back from the brink, Carroll was best known for his stint in New England, which was lackluster to say the least. Fortunately, all he had to do to revive his career was pretend not to notice when his players got massive loans and showed up to practice in hot rods.
3. The Endless Trash Talking
You think we’re going to say something nasty about Richard Sherman. Not gonna happen. Richard Sherman is entertaining as hell – exactly what the league needs. But remember when Brandon Browner said he wanted to strangle Jim Harbaugh? That wasn’t cute and everyone in Seattle ate it up like a Starbucks pastry.
4. The Uniforms
If you guys wanted to play Arena Football, you probably could have worked something out.
5. That Microsoft Money
Paul Allen has about $15 billion in the bank and he likes to dress and act (and dance) like a startup kid. You want to know where all those Surface Tablets end up? CenturyLink Field.
6. The Scariest Player in Football
7. The Seattle Mariners
You just gotta feel bad for the most ignored franchise in Major League Baseball. It feels like the Seahawks success is just rubbing it in at this point. Wither Robinson Cano?
8. Jesse Williams
The Seahawks Australian defensive tackle has “YOLO” tattooed on his face.
9. Steven Hauschka
Dude went to Middlebury. Not sure why that makes us root against him, but it does. That’s a super good liberal arts school bro!
10. Super Bowl XLVIII
Last year’s big game was awful and while it really wasn’t the Seahawks fault that the Broncos forgot how to play football, we do blame them for making what was supposed to be a fun afternoon interminable. We’re terrified that they’re going to do it again.
Well, at least we’ll have nachos.
Photos by Jonathan Ferrey/Getty Images