100 Lesser-Known Gremlin Rules

There’s more to these morphing demons than you realize.

There’s more to these morphing demons than you realize.

Photo: Warner Bros. / Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Don’t get them wet. Don’t expose them to bright light. And never, ever feed them after midnight. Those are the famous rules for owning a Gremlin, none of which make a lick of sense. Technically, it will always be “after midnight” once the creature lives past the first day. (Don’t get us started on time zones.) Light is constantly bouncing around the inside of buildings. And there’s moisture in the air, so on a humid day, these creatures should be multiplying like a Dugger.

We were never sold on there being just three rules so we hired a team of investigators to locate an ancient Gremlin scroll with all the Gremlin rules. Trust us. This is real.

1. Never get them pregnant.

Photo: Ljupco Smokovski/iStockphoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

2. Never let them dream.

Photo Courtesy of Universal Studios & MedicomToy | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

3. Always pet them in a North to West motion.

4. They can’t have gluten or duck meat.

Photo: iStockphoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

5. Never introduce them to a horse.

Photo: Elilena Fotografie/Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

6. They must tell all neighbors in a 1500-feet radius that they moved into the area.

Photo: iStockphoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

7. They can’t stand the plot holes in Lost.

Photo: Fox | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

8. They can’t digest butterflies.

9. They can’t spell. (Which means they are capable of spelling, but they’re just not allowed to do it.)

10. Never, ever let them see a rainbow, especially at night. Lunar rainbow are bad news.

11. They don’t look good in a normal vest, but look exquisite in a sequin vest.

12. Always make sure they have written consent before they record a MLB game.

13. Never let them travel faster than 88 mph during a storm.

Photo: Universal Pictures/Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

14.  Never take them to a Gary Sinise film, play or art exhibit.

Photo Courtesy of Richard Foreman/CBS | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

15. No tightropes!

Photo: Ray Massey/Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

16. They can only have one fistful of raspberries per year.

Photo: iStockphoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

17. Gremlins can see through sodium.

18. During October, only feed them after midnight. (Warning: This may be a trick from a Gremlin-supporter.)

19. Never take them west of a windmill.

20. Remember: They are stronger than most cousins.

21. Never compliment their eyes.

22. If you eat one, always eat the brain first.

23. If the Mogwai has turned into a Gremlin, you can turn the Gremlin back into a Mogwai by making it sneeze, or have another Mogwai bite the Gremlin like a werewolf.

24. They can only ride on 67 elevators in their lifetime.

25. Try not to bring up the whole “Elvis Presley stole the music of African Americans” thing.

26. Don’t get them an impersonal gift card for their birthday.

27. Never let them learn the word “isthmus.”

28. If you’re going to the store, pick up some batteries. (This has nothing to do with Gremlins, we just don’t want you to forget we need batteries.)

29. If you’re raising them for their fur pelts, remember you can only clean the pelts with an air horn.

30. They’re allergic to kites.

31. Giraffe saliva has little effect on their biology.

32. Don’t let them hear an even number of verbs in a sentence.

33. Gremlins hate it when you talk about a party that they were not invited to.

34. Soap bubbles make them horny.

35. They think Tim Burton should stop making such obvious movies.

36. Don’t bother telling them about the time you once saw that celebrity. They will not care.

37. They’re not to be trusted with an iPad, rock or infant.

38. During their 14th year, they may develop a fondness for darker music and literature. Don’t try to change them. Let this phase ride itself out.

39. Let them cheat when playing Clue. It helps establish their self-esteem, and besides, it’s only Clue. Bragging that you beat a Gremlin in a game of Clue is like bragging about killing a turtle. It’s too easy.

40. Never let them see an offensive bumper sticker.

41. Always make sure they brush their teeth and shins with Malaysian fern bristles.

42. They have difficulty digesting wood.

43. They will always lose in a fight with a bear.

44. They can’t touch anything manufactured during 1932.

45. The atmosphere of Venus is highly toxic to a Gremlin, so keep Gremlins away from Venus unless they go rouge.

46. They’re allergic to whispers.

47. Don’t let them pilot a blimp, as they have little regard for weather advisories and safety.

48. Never let them forget.

49. Keep them away from plateaus.

50. Gremlins can’t be exposed to the smell of fresh pineapple.

51.  73% of Gremlins have adverse reactions to the Tetris soundtrack.

52. Don’t let them juggle.

53. Never let them see you juggle.   

54. Never let them sleep on their stomach.

55. Always give your Gremlin a teaspoon of paprika three times during Lent.

56. They’re not allowed in Delaware.

57.  If your Gremlin has the hiccups, that means it has a highly contagious terminal illness. And now you have it too. Make arrangement accordingly.

58. Gremlins refuse to acknowledge Banksy as a legitimate artist.

59. Gremlins have a heightened, superhuman sense of time.

60. Gremlins are not allowed within 80-feet of statues.

61. They don’t understand the difference between a barn and a regular house.

62. If a Gremlin offers you a lemon or gum, it’s probably some sort of prank.

63. Never give them thumbs up.

64. Or thumbs down.

65. In fact, keep your thumbs to yourself.

66. Pinkies too.

67. Never let them use a comb.

68. Always wake them up during an even-numbered minute.

69. Green paint may cause significant problems.

70. They hate it when you call them “sport.”

71. They love the word “moist.”

72. When struck by lightning, a Gremlin may or may not turn into a demonic wingless dragon called the Devil’s Prick. There’s a chance our older brother was lying about this…

73. Gremlins cannot see through walls, often. (Note: Unless the wall is constructed with sodium, of course.)

74. Due to some obscure law, all Gremlins are considered a corporation, and must pay taxes accordingly.

75. Never let them laugh after noon.

76. If a Gremlin hears two Radiohead songs in a row it makes them poop.

77. Gremlins should never be given dice or a crucifix.

78. If you take them shoe shopping, and they say the shoe is too tight, they are lying just to get attention and sympathy. Trust the sales associate.

79. Most Gremlins are cool with smoking, but a few can be downright bitchy about it.

80. Don’t let them listen to songs that begin with plural nouns.

81. Always make sure they look both ways before crossing an X.

82. Never let them watch Gremlins. (Gremlins 2: The New Batch is fine.)

83. If the Gremlin eats a rabbit, the ghost of the rabbit will live inside the Gremlin and can only be expunged via an industrial wet/dry vacuum.

84. Never give them your password.

85. Never give them your work number.

86. If you say a swear word, they will rip your teeth out with their own teeth.

87. Don’t look in their ears.

88. Never let them smell a bee.

89. There have been reports that a few Gremlins turn invisible when you say, “There! Did you see it?” but this may just be a rumor.  

90. Gremlins think The Artist is a mediocre movie that did not deserve the Academy Award for Best Motion Picture.

91. Gremlins can’t see shadows.

92. Never give a Gremlin a staple remover.

93. Most Gremlins hate it when you ask them “How’s school?”

94. The sound of a pencils rolling down a desktop will turn a Gremlin deaf.

95. Never dare a Gremlin.

96. Never lift them more than 17-inches off the ground.

97. If you ever put a Gremlin on blast it will rip off one of your eyelids.

98. Never get them polished.

99. A hardboiled egg can kill a Gremlin…somehow.

100. Gremlins hate seagulls.

The Stem Cell Chronicles by BioXcellerator