The 16 Hottest Movies of the Summer

Will this be the summer of movie magic or move tragic?

Will this be the summer of movie magic or move tragic?

Photo Courtesy of Zade Rosenthal / MVLFF LLC. | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Clear your schedule for the next few months. With 16 big summer movies hitting theaters this season, you’ll need an organized calendar and small fortune to see them all. Here’s a rundown of the what we’re anxious to see and what we’re willing to miss.


The Dark Knight Rises

Release Date: July 20

Hopeful Expectations: The best thing that has ever happened to humans.

Realistic Expectations: It will be good, but there may be too many scenes of “Catwoman Loves/Hates Batman” and not enough scenes of “Batman Punches/Kicks Bane.”

The Avengers

Release Date: May 4

Hopeful Expectations: Seeing the heroes together will fulfill all of our wildest fanboy dreams. Even the trailer gave us chills.

Realistic Expectations: It’ll be pretty awesome, but also a little clunky and hurt by Mark Ruffalo’s interpretation of Bruce Banner as a bad male model.

Piranha 3DD

Release Date: June 1

Hopeful Expectations: This will redefine “cinema” and teach us what it truly means to be a human.

Realistic Expectations: There will be boobies and blood and we’ll yell “Ewww!” as we get a very awkward erection.


The Amazing Spider-Man

Release Date: June 30

Hopeful Expectations: This Spider-Man is finally the happy-go-lucky hero we always wanted.

Realistic Expectations: Andrew Garfield’s Spidey will be just as sad and miserable as Tobey Maguire’s Spidey. Someone give this hero a hug already.

Total Recall

Release Date: August 3

Hopeful Expectations: It will be Inception but with more shooting. Please, please, please let the Johnny Cab return?

Realistic Expectations: No Johnny Cab. This will be a more serious take on the Schwarzenegger original. Judging from the trailer, the big difference between the two is that the scenes in the remake won’t all look like sets from your underfunded high school production of “Romeo and Juliet on Mars.”


Release Date: June 8

Hopeful Expectations: It will forever erase all that Alien vs. Predator nonsense.

Realistic Expectations: With Ridley Scott directing, there is a chance the movie won’t suck. Still, this will probably fall under the category of unnecessary prequel.



Release Date: May 18

Hopeful Expectations: It’ll be a nautical take on Transformers, before that franchise got shitty!

Realistic Expectations: It’ll be a nautical take on Transformers, after that franchise got shitty!

Men in Black 3

Release Date: May 25

Hopeful Expectations: It’ll be a return to ‘90s glory for Will Smith -- a funny sci-fi flick with one hell of a Tommy Lee Jones impression from Josh Brolin.

Realistic Expectations: It’ll be like most threequels: possibly entertaining, maybe even better than the sequel, but still unnecessary. Also, Pitbull’s theme song will tarnish our fond memories of “Black Suits Comin’ (Nod Ya Head).”

G.I. Joe Retaliation

Release Date: June 29

Hopeful Expectations: A big, goofy action movie that makes us smile.

Realistic Expectation: It’s hard to fault a movie about ninjas and jetpacks. Only angry nerds would walk into the movie expecting greatness.

The Bourne Legacy

Release Date: August 3

Hopeful Expectations: Renner is better than Damon. There will be a dragon.

Realistic Expectation: It’s just like the other movies, but newer. There is no dragon at all.


The Dictator

Release Date: May 11

Hopeful Expectations: Sacha Baron Cohen will match Borat with another outrageous, hysterically inappropriate cultural satire.

Realistic Expectations:The Dictator will land somewhere between Borat and Bruno. It’ll have some genuinely funny stuff but also some really tired jokes that are all shock and no gypsy tears.

AbrahamLincoln: Vampire Slayer

Release Date: June 22

Hopeful Expectations: An over-the-top violent horror movie that has a lot of fun with its premise.

Realistic Expectations: The title is the best part.

The Expendables 2

Release Date: August 17

Hopeful Expectations: Even girlfriends will love it!

Realistic Expectations: It beats watching the Olympics...


Dark Shadows

Release Date: May 11

Hopeful Expectations: It will be campy, hilarious and the rare vampire movie that we actually enjoy.

Realistic Expectations: Tim Burton will once again dick around with Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, giving us a movie that was a lot of fun for him but is only kinda fun for us.

Snow White and the Huntsman

Release Date: June 1

Hopeful Expectations: The combination of gritty action and Charlize Theron will single-handedly get us interested in fairy tales.

Realistic Expectations: Transforming Snow White into an armored action chick will prove silly, thanks especially to Kristen Stewart’s “acting” chops.


Release Date: June 22

Hopeful Expectations: Pixar and Disney return to form in a movie that’s funny, exciting, whimsical and pretty.

Realistic Expectations: It’s Shrek...but without Shrek. It’ll still be better than Cars 2.


What to Expect When You're Expecting

Release Date: May 11

Hopeful Expectations: A sit-com dressed up like a movie.

Realistic Expectations: OMG! This will be sooooo good! Finally, a movie that’s not afraid to tell it like it is! Midnight screening, anyone? We’re meeting at Libby’s beforehand to pregame. Dress up as your favorite Hunger Games character! We’re going to sneak in a flask of white wine and a bag of Wheat Thins! We’re terrible!