Awful, boring movies, albums and games come to those who wait.
The anticipation for a sequel, follow-up album, or highly hyped video game can be almost as much fun as the item itself. Just kidding. While movies like The Avengers were worth the wait, usually long delays make for crappy results. We waited and waited for the following items, and that was time perhaps better spent changing the the world, teaching underprivileged children or whining.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
Photo: Paramount Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Originals: Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981), Temple of Doom (1984), Last Crusade (1989)
Nuking the fridge. Swinging monkeys. It was about aliens the whole time. Have we pissed you off yet? Kingdom of the Crystal Skull already has a legendary sucky sequel status, so instead, let’s remember the good times. Dodging the boulder. Riffing with Sean Connery. Melting faces. Being relevant. Eating monkey brains. Mmmm monkey brains.
Blues Brothers 2000 (1998)
Photo: Universal / Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Original: The Blues Brothers (1980)
Hollywood should’ve known that you never, ever try to replace John Belushi, much less Jake Blues. But they decided to try to recapture the magic of Blues Brothers with John Goodman as a stand-in and an admittedly stacked list of musician cameos. The problem with Blues Brothers 2000 isn’t that it’s just a disappointing sequel; it’s downright depressing. You can’t watch it without feeling John Belushi’s (and Cab Calloway’s) absence and sniffling over the early explanation that Jake has passed on. And they didn’t even end up really saving the orphanage! And there were goddamn zombies in this movie!?! If you like this movie, you have never seen any other movie.
Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (2010)
Photo: Twentieth Century Fox | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Original: Wall Street (1987)
Man, who decided to let Shia LaBeouf onto all these long-awaited sequels? An Even Stevens diehard? An exec named Shia who wanted to finally normalize his name? Whoever it was, a pox upon your house. Just like Crystal Skull, this follow-up took the character we loved -- Gordon Gekko -- and made him a shadow of his former glory. Though we still want a copy of the movie poster framed next to our fireplace. Preferably in velvet.
The Two Jakes (1990)
Photo: Paramount Pictures / Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Original: Chinatown (1974)
Chinatown gave us the first classic neo-noir and an excuse to say, “Forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatown,” to every single guy we know named Jake. Adding in Harvey Keitel and Eli Wallach should’ve only made the sequel, The Two Jakes, even more awesome. When it arrived 16 years after the original, it was...let’s say underwhelming. When you get beat at the box office by Air America, that’s enough of a sign you’ve failed.
Caddyshack II (1988)
Photo: Warner Bros / Courtesy Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Original: Caddyshack (1980)
There’s not much to say about Caddyshack II that hasn’t already been said by critics and everyone involved since its release. Harold Ramis is majorly embarrassed by it and the producers were so desperate to save face and blame someone that they tried to sue Rodney Dangerfield for not coming back. Which, when you think about it, is kinda like suing someone for not ingesting rat poison.
Tron: Legacy (2010)
Photo: Walt Disney Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Original: Tron (1982)
We love Olivia Wilde as much as the next person, and having a Daft Punk soundtrack is pretty sweet, so we were stoked for Tron: Legacy. But what we ended up with was a movie that took itself way too seriously and provided us with an unsettling “young” Jeff Bridges that still haunts our nightmares. Legacy? More like Lous-acy! (That joke brought to you by the writers of Caddyshack II.)
Escape From LA (1996)
Original: Escape From New York (1981)
Vegas Vacation (1997)
Originals: Vacation (1983), European Vacation (1985), Christmas Vacation (1989)
Dumb and Dumberer (1994)
Original: Dumb and Dumber (2003)
Star Wars Episode I: Phantom Menace (1999)
Originals: Star Wars (1977), Empire Strikes Back (1980), Return of the Jedi (1983)
The Godfather Part III (1990)
Originals: The Godfather (1972), The Godfather Part II (1974)
Phantasm II (1988)
Original: Phantasm (1979)
Bambi II (2006)
Original: Bambi (1942)
Check out Albums Not Worth the Wait on the next page...
We hate it when musicans are an hour late for a concert, so imagine how pissed we are when the music takes years and decades to be released.
Detox (Release Date Unkown) - Dr. Dre
Previous Album: 2001 (2001)
Maybe Dr. Dre has been spending his time perfecting the music. Maybe he’s spent the past 11 years trying to find a word that rhymes with “Bin Laden.” Maybe he’d rather make headphones. Whatever the reason, this album can’t possibly live up to the expectations. Only a hologram of Tupac and Notorious B.I.G. muppet can save the project. Make that happen, and we’ll buy three copies!
Chinese Democracy (2008) - Guns n Roses
Previous Album: The Spaghetti Incident? (1993)
If you keep promising an album for 15 years, when that album finally gets released, we’d expect it to sound like ear sex. Each track must be the very best music humans can produce. The songs should make you taller and more attractive. The sound waves should cure blindness and be used as a pizza topping. Sadly, Axl Rose spent 15 years making a mediocre album. After each song ends, all listeners sigh a sarcastic, “Really?”
Idler Wheel... (2012) - Fiona Apple
Previous Albums:Extraordinary Machine (2005), When the Pawn....(1999)
The half-human/half-elf loves to taker her time. Her newest album isn't bad, just ho-hum. Hence, we’re still pissed off at Little Miss Tardy. Had she a stronger work ethic and knocked out a few more albums this decade, perhaps it would have kept the likes of Brits Amy Winehouse and Adele across the pond. And then the USA could once again be known as “Home of the Best Female Musicians Your Girlfriend Makes You Listen To.”
IV (2006) - Winger
Previous Album: Pull (1993)
If you’re still buying Winger albums in this millenium, you are a sad, sad person - and yes, we’d love to see your tattoos and pet tarantula.
Next up, Video Games Not Worth the Wait...[pagebreak]
Thanks to conventions like E3, we've been hearing about these hyped games for most of our lives. And when we finally play them, we kinda wish our hobby was collecting banana stickers. Banana sticker collectors don't have to pay $60 for disappointment.
Gran Turismo 5 (2010)
Previous Game: Gran Turismo 4 (2004)
We waited and waited for GT5, and all we got was a load screen. When Sony launched the PS3 in 2006, race fans expected the next GT to follow shortly after. Instead Sony pulled the e-brake and kept the lid on GT5 until announcing it would be released in 2010. 2010 became late 2010 and gamers were faced with the least fun racing decision ever: Take 12 hours to install their new game or wait incredibly long loading times in between each race. So...more waiting. The faithful remain with GT5 but the six year development cycle gave the outstanding Forza series a solid chance to make up some serious ground.
Previous Game: Splatterhouse 3 (1993)
The original Splatterhouse was a cult hit about grad-student Rick who turned into a Jason-esque-murderer (Hockey Mask Jason; not Jason Segel). The series pumped out three games from 1988 to 1993 and then....nothing. 17 years later, the gore-loving team at Namco decided it was time for Rick’s return. The 2010 reboot was decent enough, featuring some surprisingly good graphics but the dumbest plot. In the end, few people made the connection to the original and the reboot become another bargain bin button masher.
If you remember hearing about Spore in 2004, it’s probably because that’s when the hype machine began churning its wheels for this Maxis property. The game, which had begun development in 2000, would finally launch in 2008. Despite its very original premise of Godlike creation of a universe from single cell to space travel, Spore suffered from too many ideas, making for a shallow, schizophrenic experience which Wired called the most disappointing game of 2008. We’re still not even sure if it was actually a game at all. It may have been a type of gravy or hammock.
Kid Icarus (2012)
Previous Game: Kid Icarus of Myths and Monsters (1991)
In 1987, Kid Icarus counted himself among the lofty ranks of Nintendo’s A-team. He was rubbing shoulders with Mario and Link. But, like the real Icarus, Kid fell from grace after a 1991 sequel that no one knew about. Nintendo finally revisited Kid Icarus this year in a reboot but relegated him to the struggling 3DS. It wasn’t exactly the game fans were hoping for.
Too Human (2008)
Originally announced in 1999 as a 4 disc set for PSOne, Too Human was a game that mixed Norse Mythology with techno-gibberish but managed to make it sound cool...or so the hype and PR peeps made it seem. The problem? That lead time lasted almost 10 years as Too Human went from a PSOne game for 1999, to a Gamecube game for 2000 to an Xbox 360 game for 2005 to an Xbox game that was actually released in 2008. In the end, Too Human squandered its heavenly Norse roots in favor of mediocrity. Falling way short of expectations didn’t help encourage the original strategy that Too Human was meant to be a trilogy. Instead of being the crown jewel of 2008’s new IPs, Too Human wound up as example B next to the dictionary definition of “development hell.”
Marvel vs Capcom 3 (2011)
Previous Game: Marvel vs Capcom 2 (2000)
Marvel vs Capcom first popped up in 1998, taking the successful Street Fighter formula and injecting some comic book goodness. They did it again in 2000 and had a substantial hit on Sega’s uber-popular (and uber-pirated) Dreamcast. Then the wait began. Iterations of MvC2 littered every console from then on but snafus with Marvel’s licensing kept a proper follow up from happening until 2011. When Marvel vs Capcom 3 finally launched the fighting genre had thoroughly exhausted crossovers and gamers criticized MvC3 as being too overpowered and cheap. That said, we’re still pitching Nabisco vs Kellogg's: Blood Lust.
Wasteland 2 (Soon...we think)
Previous Game: Wasteland (1988)
Wasteland was a popular 1988 post-apocalyptic RPG we remember best for using colorfully off-beat phrases like “Thug Explodes Like a Blood Sausage.” Poetry! Well, apparently the people at Interplay didn’t think so and the game got shelved before winding up trading hands for over a decade. Finally, InXile picked up the rights in 2003 and, apparently, patiently waited for Kickstarter to become a reality so they could build support -- and $900K in funding in its first 43 hours --for the sequel. We don’t know if Wasteland 2 is gonna be any good. Hell, we don’t even know if it’s actually gonna be made, but there’s something about a game funded by Kickstarter turning out to be complete shit that makes us chuckle our most evil chuckle.
The Legend of Kage 2 (2008)
Previous Game: The Legend of Kage (1985)
The Guinness World Record Holder for a gaming wait, Legend of Kage was an addictive side-scrolling ninja adventure, originally released in 1985 in the arcade. You remember Kage, right? RIGHT?! Hmm. That didn’t stop Nintendo from reviving Kage in 2008. Strangely, that revival happened on the Nintendo DS, a handheld that skewed heavily with the under-20 market, basically ensuring that no one who bought the sequel was alive when the first one debuted. Marketing. Genius.
Duke Nukem Forever (2011)
Previous Game: Duke Nukem 3D (1996)
Duke Nukem burst onto the video game scene in 1991. By 1996 there were three Duke titles that were fan favorites in the early days of the FPS genre. Duke was a crass conglomeration of big-browed action stars and uttered some truly terrible lines along the way. We loved it. Duke Nukem 4 became a hotly anticipated title. And then it became vaporware. What should’ve been one of the hottest releases of 1998 instead became the poster boy for development hell. 15 years after its predecessor, Duke was again unleashed on the world...and he hadn’t aged well. Duke Nukem Forever annoyed fans who had been waiting for it and failed to capture a new audience with its bargain-bin stylings.