Which one of your jokes will send you straight to hell?
I wish I had jokes like that. I would’ve gotten laid as a comic. Now I have to get my wife drunk and take her to a Bon Jovi concert.
Your Men of a Certain Age character had dreams of becoming a pro golfer. If comedy and acting hadn’t worked out for you, how would you have spent your life?
I’m not quite sure, but it would probably have involved a whistle.
The show is about guys dealing with middle age. What was the most depressing thing about turning 50?
About a year ago I was having sex with my wife, and in the middle of it I actually had to take a knee.
Your character has his eye on a “fantasy woman” who keeps popping up. Any lady you’re hoping pops up in your afterlife?
Amelia Earhart, because, c’mon, what happened there?!
Name one thing you’re glad you’ll never have to do again on Earth.
Speak with a British accent. Boy, am I bad at that.
Did everybody really love Raymond while you were alive?
Uh, Reader’s Digest called. They want that question back.
Charlie Sheen recently beat you out as the highest paid actor on TV, but which of you would win a fistfight?
The kid on Two and a Half Men could kick my ass, so move on.
What’s your last meal?
I wanna go out like I came in: breast-feeding.
You’ve competed in the World Series of Poker several times. Do you have any other vices?
Is peeing in your wet suit a vice? ’Cause I love that.
What is your biggest regret?
Answering my wife when she asked which of her friends I would choose if she agreed to a threesome. My regret isn’t just answering, but misinterpreting the question and naming two of her friends.
What’s the wildest thing you ever did while you were alive?
Bought a monkey online.
What are people saying over your casket?
“The embalmer did a terrible job on Zach Braff!”
Got any last words?
I fucked Doris Roberts.
Season 2 of Men of a Certain Age starts up December 6 on TNT.