7 Harcore Rules to Live By

Gavin McInnes’ new book “How to Piss in Public” is a Bible waiting to happen.

Gavin McInnes’ new book “How to Piss in Public” is a Bible waiting to happen.

Shut up. Whatever story you’re about to tell will not compare to the tales of Gavin McInnes. The “godfather of hipsterdom” has lived a life and isn’t afraid to piss people off by revealing all his dirty secrets and life lessons. What’s worse? He’s right...about everything. His new memoir, How to Piss in Public, is everything you want in an autobiography...except it’s true and funny. Everything is on-limits, from sex and drugs to the creation of Vice Magazine. It’s all here.

Below are the greatest lessons he has to share.

Help Those In Need

McINNES: Where’s the strangest place my hand’s been? Good question. Hmm. Let me think. Has it been up an animal’s ass? No. But I was hanging out with a friend who started saying, “Ugh. I don’t feel so good.” He needed help. So I fucking grabbed him and rammed my finger down his throat and let the puke spill out. I had to do it more than once. I did eventually get him to puke. Takes about five good, hard triggers.

But that wasn’t uncommon in the party days. You’d do a bump, you do a shot and then you feel like you did too much. So you puke, and then you’re good and you can get back to work.

Give the People What They Want

The audience who come to the live comedy tour love the greatest hits. Like the story about having a cocaine orgy in this hotel and the concierge finding out who I was and coming upstairs with more coke. And the stories about Joe Strummer and about the time I got kicked out of Johnny Knoxville’s house.

Be Mr. Nice Guy

I just sent a box of DVDs to the troops in Afghanistan. But I made sure that a reporter was there to watch me do it, and that I was photographed doing it. So I’m not sure if that counts as the nicest thing I’ve ever done.

Change Your Shirt

When you become a dad with two kids, you stop being a dick. I used to wear shirts that were purposely offensive. But with kids, that’s hard. You always need someone’s help when you go the park. You can’t ask another parent to watch your kid for a minute when you’re wearing a shirt that says “Fuck You Douche.” It’s like saying, “Help me with my kids, and go fuck yourself while you’re at it.”

Every day I’m a sweetheart now.

You Are Your Own Best Medicine

When I get punched in the nose, it hurts. But it’s not that bad. After a fist fight your adrenaline is popping and it takes the pain down. Your ribs will hurt a few days later.

Screw Fear

I hope when people read the book they’ll think: Yeah! I should go out there and not worry about failing. I should fail. I should start a business that fails. Start ten businesses that fail and then maybe one will do well. Go write 100 TV pilots and maybe one of them will be good. Go and try to get laid. Yes, you will get rejected, but the only way you can get laid is if you keep trying.

We’re so scared. All the kids needs helmets. And you can’t have gluten...whatever the hell that is. It’s not healthy. It’s healthy for kids to have skinned knees, and it’s good for business to have people taking risks. And it’s not good to have people scared of trying to get laid.

That’s where we are. But I went out there, and I was scared, and I got fucked up, and beat up...and it was awesome.

Tell a Good Story

My favorite story from the book is “Circles or Strokes.” It’s about the time I finally got the chick that I wanted to fuck all through high school, and her currency went down over the years and by the time she was thirty, she was in my league, and I tracked her down. It was just the worst sexual experience. It was so fucking lame.

She wouldn’t let me do anything, eventually we negotiated it down to a hand job. And she says, “OK. Let’s get started. Do you prefer circles or strokes.” What does that mean?

Read the book to find out how it ended.

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