The Lego Movie and its companion video game are out this week, reminding people everywhere that Lego does a great job of dropping yellow-headed versions of pop-culture’s most beloved icons into a world of plastic bricks. Yet, no matter how awesome they may be, some characters and stories will simply never be seen in the Lego universe. Not coming to a theater or gaming console near you anytime soon, we give you: Things that will never be Lego-fied.
The reasoning here is actually twofold. On the one hand, Mortal Kombat (and its many iterations since) is a game that parents often blame for desensitizing kids to violence, and violence has no business being in the family-friendly Lego world. On the other, Sub Zero’s spine-ripping fatality isn’t anywhere near as entertaining when you realize that those little yellow heads just pop right off.
Another game that got caught up in the knee-jerk reaction to video game violence, Night Trap featured a woman in a nightie and baddies who wanted to drain her blood. Nevermind that the point of the game was actually for you to save her; the game was seen as the most family-unfriendly game out there. And draining blood from a Lego lady just looks like pouring Kool-Aid out of an itty bitty juice box.
Grand Theft Auto
Lego actually tried the GTA formula with Lego City Undercover. While that game was fun, the main character was an upstanding police officer, a far cry from the murder and mayhem of GTA criminals like Trevor Phillips or Tommy Vercetti. Like our Grandma used to say, it just isn't Grand Theft Auto unless you can bang hookers. And we can’t imagine Lego giving the green light to little plastic prostitutes, no matter how many of us you perverts write in asking for it.
They might have made a half-dozen Saw movies, and the diabolical tortures depicted therein might even make for a killer video game. But we highly doubt you’ll ever see Jigsaw as a kneeless Lego man – which is actually a shame, because amputating Lego people was precisely 45% of the fun of playing with Legos.
Literally translated as “A Dog’s World,” Mondo Cane was an incredibly popular 1962 Italian documentary that spawned a series of rip-offs. The movie was a collection of oddities from around the world, caught on film. Chock full of ritualistic animal killings, drunk foreign customs, and nuclear fallout (seriously, this shit was popular - look it up), recreating it all in Lego form might actually make it more palatable, but that doesn’t mean it’ll ever happen.
Pretty Much Anything by Marquis de Sade
We’re not gonna lie, some unofficial YouTube channel would probably get millions of hits if they did some scene-for-scene Lego remakes of Sade’s notoriously racy books (we’re waiting on you, up-and-coming stop-motion animators), but your chance of seeing 120 Days of Sodom reenacted with Legos is even less likely than us stepping on a loose Lego brick and not crying like little girls.
Maxim’s Hometown Hotties
We’re not saying we wouldn’t like Lego to adapt our annual contest for celebrating the hotties next door, but it sure would lose some of its appeal if they Lego-fied it. Don’t believe us? Ask yourself this question: “Are there any ladies out there who are flatter than a Lego lady?” If your answer is anything but “no,” then you’re lying to yourself.
Actually, we’d guarantee the Lego version of the Bible would be better than anything on The History Channel (what?) or a movie starring Charlton Heston as Moses, but the five zillion pages of people “begetting” other people combined with the entirety of the Book of Revelations would give the current generation of pre-teen future engineers horrific psychological issues.
Girls Gone Wild
Think of the last Girls Gone Wild commercial you saw. Now think of that same commercial if you swapped out the actual girls for Lego ladies - the herky jerky movements of jointless arms and legs and the plastic hair unnaturally staying firmly planted as they pull their tops up. Hot, right? Yeah, we thought so. GGW is basically the epitome of everything not Lego-friendly, but the idea of a Lego set that includes some bikini clad figures, a dirty hotel room, and a stripper pole might be a big hit with frat boys drunkenly wandering into Toys R Us. (Joe Francis figure definitely NOT included.)