Can you survive on kangaroo meat or just plain air? Some people think so…
The second most un-American holiday ever (if you celebrate Buy Nothing Day, Joe McCarthy’s ghost will eventually eat your heart), International No Diet Day is upon us. An attempt to end size discrimination, fat shaming, and everything else that made high school so much fun, INDD is “celebrated” every May 6…the day after most food-loving Americans have consumed a child’s body weight in pork burritos and watery Mexican beer.
On INDD, celebrants are encouraged to reject the idea that dieting works, and honestly, they may be on to something. So in the spirit of the day, here are some truly baffling culinary life choices which might help you lose weight…or kill you!
Photo: Discovod / iStockPhoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013
The Hallelujah Diet
Any eating guide that describesitself as “85% plant-based” has got to be good, right? That’s about as straightforward as you get. There’s even some serious science behind it:
“The Hallelujah Diet is based on the physical nourishment as intended from our Provider in Genesis 1:29: “And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat [food].”
Sick of factory farming but still want a meaty sandwich now and then? Try eating kangaroos! A diet that’s strictly vegetarian except for these bouncing burgers, Kangatarians snack on one of nature’s few bipedal animals – it’s like eating people without the guilt (or empty calories)!
Basically, you eat vegetables, plus eggs and dairy products. So if you’re one of those kinds of people who think eating meat is wrong, but noshing on the unborn children of animals or drinking down the creamy goo their bodies create is totally cool, this is for you!
The “F” here stands for “fiber”, or “farting so much a small gaseous planet not dissimilar to a miniature Jupiter will form around your body, creating a dense gravity-well that very well may destroy all sentient life on Earth.” A diet of strictly high-fiber foods, the F-Plan is designed to make you feel full and therefore eat less. Side effects include constipation, gas, and a never-ending self-imposed exile from the realms of men.
Why eat at all? The body can totally exist solely on sunlight, like broccoli, a solar panel, or classic 80’s fashion icon (and Superman IV villain) Nuclear Man. Breatharianists believe that sunshine, magic, or a combination of both (plus maybe a little water) can keep the human body going, as this website built by a Nokia potato will attest.