3 Things We Learned from the NFL Draft

Good thing we did all those useless mock drafts, right guys?

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If you’ve ever doubted the power of the NFL (and somehow avoided being struck by lightning courtesy of Roger Goodell), last night’s draft – in which teams just picked names of people who will maybe play for them in many months – should have quieted those doubts, as it absolutely crushed everything else in ratings, including actual NBA and NHL playoffs. Here are some nuggets we picked up last night.

Ha Ha Clinton-Dix Enchants the Country


With his unorthodox name and his amazing attire (some said he looked like a maître d, but we assume they wouldn’t tell him that to his face), Ha Ha swooped into America’s hearts, and America’s heartland, when we was picked up by the Packers. Football-wise, it was a great move; the Packers have beefed up their line with the addition of Julius Peppers, and Clinton-Dix will provide some backfield support. Geography-wise, ehh, we’re not sure we’d visit.

Ha Ha Johnny Manziel


The overconfident QB slipped to 22nd in the draft after the rumor mill had reported everything from him going first overall, to him playing for the Montreal Alouettes, and the cutaways of Manziel looking pained after every failed pick were incredible. Cleveland eventually stopped the bleeding (with their second pick of the round), and Manziel will get to work making a lot of teams “pay” after being drafted in the exact same spot that the Browns also drafted Brady Quinn and Brandon Weeden. That’s a good omen, right?

Jacksonville. Wow, I mean, yeah, uh…Jacksonville.


The Jags showed a ton of confidence in Blake Bortles by picking him up with the third-overall pick in the draft. Unfortunately Blake looks (and sounds) a lot like Blaine, and that’s how the Jags ended up with this high pick to begin with. Although, there is one upside to his game…

More on Maxim.com:

Maxim’s 2014 Football-Watching Companion Draft

2014 NFL Mock Draft, Based on the Awesomeness of Players’ Names