(Photo: Stephen M. Dowell / Landov | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013)
Straight from the crotchetiest pit of sports writing comes this spectacular exercise in earth-shaking stupidity from Kevin Scarbinsky of your one-stop shop for everything ‘Bama, AL.com. Just so you know who we're dealing with here, Scarbinsky previously wrote about athletes taking a “Twitter timeout” based on a Johnny Manziel frustrated tweet – a tweet which ended up being a reaction to a parking ticket.
In this round of furious finger-wagging, Kev-dog pinpoints Aaron Hernandez as the tipping point for the implementation of an SEC-wide drug policy. He connects Hernandez’s alleged failed drug tests in no small way with the murder investigation that he is currently tied up with, and although that shows an astounding amount of detachment, that’s not even the most out-of-touch section of his article.
Kevin continues, in his best “ranting dad at a PTA meeting” voice, that Hernandez’s story should serve as the catalyst to bring about the drug testing that these kids so badly need to save their souls:
“A league-wide drug policy would reinforce the idea that the schools are in this together, especially on the critical subject of player health and safety. At its spring meetings, the SEC discussed taking the national lead on this issue by becoming the first conference to institute a league-wide drug policy, but decided instead to continue the status quo. You know. Your school, your rules. How many teams will continue to benefit from that approach? How many players will continue to suffer?”
Here is how we imagine Kevin thinks this conversation would go:
SEC Executive Greg Sankey: I bring this committee to order! Since Aaron Hernandez took the most non-Saban of life paths and may be implicated in a murder, I move to institute league-wide drug testing to make sure these kids stay off the weed and don’t listen to that Little Wayne!
SEC Committee (in unison): We most certainly vote aye!
(The Honey Badger bursts in and murders everybody in a fit of "weed rage.")
So close, Kevin. So close.
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