Pete Wentz, Michael Lohan, and Butterbean make for a week of celebrity-filled television. Okay, maybe not celebrity, but definitely relatively-famous-people-filled television. Plus: pizza and college football! That’s real star power.
Monday, August 29
8:30 p.m. Crave (Food)
There are so many different ways to describe pizza: "The Tasty Halo of Happiness", "The Digestible Circle of Joy", "The Piping Hot Discus of Sauce and Cheese". But, we think the definition that the folks over at the Food Network's new show Crave came up with for it may be the best one of all: "The Edible Frisbee of Glee." In the premiere episode titled just that, food writer and critic Troy Johnson will try and come up with even more words for pizza, as he travels to the pie capitols of the world, including New York City and Chicago. Here's two more for ya, Troy: "Mmmmm, pizza."
10:30 p.m. The Big C (Showtime)
Parker Posey, welcome to the Cougar Club! The sexy comedic actress (you probably know her best from classics like Dazed and Confused and Best in Show) is currently guest-starring on Showtime's Emmy-nominated cancer dramedy, as a woman named Poppy who forms a special bond with Cathy's (Laura Linney) teen son Adam (Gabriel Basso). In this ep, Basso's Adam accompanies Parker's Poppy (heh) to her high-school reunion. See, now it won't seem as creepy when you bring someone younger to yours! Actually, scratch that, it most definitely will.
Tuesday, August 30
8:00 p.m. Big Law: Deputy Butterbean (ID)
The long arm of the law shall henceforth be known as the long, meaty, entirely-capable-of-pummeling-the-shit-out-of-you arm of the law. At least it will be whenever former heavyweight boxer Eric "Butterbean" Esch fights crime in this reality series, in which the 400 pound professional ass-kicker joins the force of Walker County, Alabama. In tonight's all-new, back-to-back episodes, Deputy Butterbean helps track a suspected drug dealer and takes a firearms test. For that drug dealer's sake, he'd better hope the firearms test comes after, or TKO will probably turn into RIP.
Thursday, September 1
11:35 p.m. The Late Show with David Letterman (CBS)
Like Maxim, it's pretty safe to say David Letterman has something of a soft spot for lovely ladies. So the guy had better be able to keep it together when this double trouble header stops by: The continually-getting-better-with-age Julianna Margulies will chat up the new season of her show The Good Wife, while the beautiful Hillary Scott of Lady Antebellum caps the night off by singing alongside her massively popular country group. Don't worry Dave, if you need the guys of Maxim for support or assistance, we're more than happy to help.
Friday, September 2
8:30 p.m. Friends with Benefits (NBC)
Don't get accidentally tricked into thinking NBC earned the rights to the hit summer comedy Friends with Benefits really early and you were going to get a glimpse of Mila Kunis' ass double like we did. It's a harsh lesson to learn, friends. Still, while you won't find Mila, you will find a pretty decent sitcom about the perils of falling into bed with your pal (That's what they keep telling us, anyway!) In the latter episode of tonight's double header, Fall Out Boy rocker Pete Wentz guest stars as Sara's (the stunning Danneel Ackles) former boyfriend, who manages to get her stuck in the oh-so-sneaky ex trap. At this point, they might as well re-name this show Friends with Trickery.
Saturday, September 3
8:00 p.m. Saturday Night College Football(ABC)
There's 33--that's right, count 'em, 33--college football games being played today alone, but since it's nearly impossible to watch all of them at once (unless you have 33 computers and/or televisions, in which case, well done, sir) we're going with the big LSU vs. Oregon showdown in Arlington, Texas. The match-up of the Oregon Ducks (who finished 12-1 in 2010) with LeMichael James against the 11-2 LSU Tigers with Morris Claiborne should make for a heated battle. Of course, nothing will be as tense as us going against anyone who dare try and get the remote from us during football season. You'll lose every time, suckas!
Sunday, September 4
9:00 p.m. Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew (VH1)
What do you get when you mix the likes of Michael Lohan, Bai Ling, Amy Fisher, Sean Young, Dwight Gooden, and Guns N' Roses' Steven Adler together in one house with no drugs or alcohol and a lot of cameras and tough love? The car crash cocktail that was the fifth season of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. While it's not to say that Dr. Drew didn't do some good for the misguided, struggling fallen stars, when it comes to mega douches like Lohan, well, there's just no saving that can be done there. Still the whole gang, including Lindsay's dear old dad, will be back together for a cast reunion special that will, if anything, keep the rest of us from ever wanting to wind up in a facility with any of them.