Valentine’s Day Cocktails for the Lonely

Because your drink will never call you an “insufferable mama’s boy.”
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Because your drink will never call you an “insufferable mama’s boy.”

Spending your Valentine’s Day alone doesn’t mean you have to wallow. Mix yourself up a couple delicious cupid-flavor concoctions (to be enjoyed responsibly, of course) and relax; just make sure to follow these instructions to a T.

Cupid’s Bow

4 oz Belvedere Vodka

½ oz Simple Syrup

1 oz Lemon Juice

12 Raspberries

2 Dashes Egg White

Shake vigorously and strain into two chilled martini glasses. Garnish with a raspberry. Drink one while pouring the other down the drain; like that awful shrew did with all the love that you gave her. She doesn’t deserve you, you handsome son of a bitch.

Raspberry White Chocolate Truffle

3 oz Van Gogh Raspberry Vodka

1 oz White chocolate Godiva

3 oz White crème de Cocoa

1 ½ oz Raspberry Liqueur

6 Raspberries

Place Raspberries into the bottom of two martini glasses. Combine liquid ingredients in a shaker and shake over ice. Strain into glasses. Drink one and then throw the other one at a photo of you in happier times. Go to a romantic restaurant and tell all the couples what life is really like. Demand the bartender make you another “chocolate-fruit something or other.”

Lord Panama

4 oz Ron Abuelo 7 Años

10 oz lightly sweetened iced tea

Lime wedge

Split the Abuelo over ice in two highball glasses then fill with iced tea. Squeeze in a lime wedge. Stir to mix. Drink both in rapid succession and then leave a sobbing message on her answering machine. Call back but throw your phone against the wall before you say anything. That’ll show her.

Girls in Red

The Supervillain Valentine's Gift Guide