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Eat Your Way Around the Vital Organs

Pass the penis, if you please.

While the horror is all around you today (and by “horror” we mean the cardboard cutout of a werewolf head that your mother mailed you years ago to “spruce up that dorm room”), there is one place where the Halloween excitement may be lacking: your plate. And although the 60-piece chicken McNugget lunch with a Big Mac on the side that most Maxim editors lay waste to each day are pretty scary, here are some real ways to petrify your palate.

Skin

(Photo: Wikimedia Commons/ Takeaway)
We’ll start you off with an easy one. Skin is the biggest organ on the body, and also the only one that you can glowingly buy at 7/11 while hammered on Saturday night. That’s right, the common pork rind is where we start our journey through the body. Popular throughout the world (you’re looking at Thai rinds above), these puppies pack as much fat as chips, but with five times the salt. Don’t forget to grab a beer!


Brain

(Photo: Flickr.com/ Fantaz)

You don’t have to be an adventuring archeologist with a perfectly sculpted jaw to find yourself in the presence of some edible brains. Magaj (which means “brain” - what else?) is served across Pakistan and India. You know, places that don’t require a whip and a Short Round to get there. Just watch out for that Mad Cow disease.  

Heart

(Photo: Flickr.com/  Renée S. Suen)

The best part about eating a heart (or a bunch of them - go crazy!) is that each animal only has one (not like those stupid wings or breasts), so you know that something died especially for your enjoyment. Unless it’s some weird shit like an octopus.

Liver

(Photo: Flickr.com/ NatalieMaynor)

Another favorite, you can find the liver pretty much anywhere, including Stateside. And despite being the go-to guilt trip of over-possessive mothers everywhere (“What am I, chopped liver?”), this is one of the most consumed organs in the body. But it can also be…DEADLYYYY (it is Halloween, you know). The liver of the Fugu, or Japanese blowfish, contains the neurotoxins that almost killed America’s favorite dad

Intestines

(Photo: Wikimedia Commons/ Alina Zienowicz)

If you are a child of the south, chances are you've chowed down on Chitlins, the usually-stewed small intestines of a pig. But even if you grew up north of the Mason/Dixon, much of our sausage is cased in the intestines of the animals from which the meat originates. Mmm, snap into that delicious belly-tube. 

Lung

(Photo: Flickr.com/ NatalieMaynor)
You won’t run into too many lungs stateside; in fact, they are currently illegal for sale as foodstuff in the US. However, a trip across the pond should get you deep into the lung game: The windbags are staples in France, Germany, Italy, and the UK, for starters. If you like your lungs spicy (and who doesn’t?), they are also fried up whole with chilies in a dish called Paru Goreng, popular in Singapore.  

Testicles


(Photo: Wikimedia Commons/ Doremo)

The fact that these balls are sometimes called fries, eggs, and Rocky Mountain Oysters almost leads us to believe that someone is trying to trick us into eating some poor animals family jewels. We’re game to try anything once, but if you have the cojones (or fries or eggs) to go face-first into the above huge plate of rooster balls, than we tip our disgusting, disgusting cap to you.

Penis

(Photo: Wikimedia Commons/ Manuel González Olaechea)

And what good is a big plate of stones without a little wang to go with it? These belong to bulls that are most likely currently sitting in the dark, eating Ben and Jerry’s, and sobbing over the fact that some Real Housewife would have the nerve to show up to a wedding looking like that. 

Check out How to Get Lucky With A Ghost and 2014 Halloween Hotties.