5 Things to Pack for July 4th Weekend
From DIY breathalyzers to a boatload of fireworks, we’ve got everything you need to be a patriot this Independence Day.
Forgiven Alcohol Recovery Shots
This year, July 4th falls on a Thursday, aka, Day One of an extra-long weekend filled with fun, sun, and stuffing your face with red meat, cold beer, and more cold beer. Because this is America! And while you have every right to do whatever the fuck you want (again, because of the whole America thing), you don’t want to blow your load before the weekend even gets going, only to wake up with an epic hangover that ruins the next three days. Enter Forgiven—a dietary supplement that claims to be the world’s first alcohol metabolizer (if you don’t count your liver, of course. We rarely do). When taken at the end of the night, each 2-oz. shot of Forgiven supposedly boosts the body’s ability to burn the liquor in your system. The result: a pain-free morning-after. After all, it is our God-given right to undo the damage of all those shots we took by taking shots of something else. Because we have a problem this is America!
Bodum Frykat Mini Charcoal Grill
Until they make a grill small enough to fit in your back pocket, this ultra-portable cooker is the city-dweller’s answer to July 4th. It’s practically small enough to use right on your window sill! Oh, wait, now our lawyers are saying we probably shouldn’t tell people to do that. Honestly, some people have no sense of humor about burning-hot coals and half-cooked weiners falling on them from 13 floors up. Anyway, just know this: It’s small enough to transport on your bicycle (really!) but big enough to simultaneously grill two steaks and “veggies,” which are apparently the green things that sometimes come with a steak. Weird – we always just assumed that was garbage.
Fireworks!
Before setting out on any July 4th journey, we highly recommend you consult this map of American states classified by the legal availability of fireworks. The good news is that there are 46 states in our union where fireworks are legal, albeit with varying degrees of kaboom-iness. But if you’re not already in one, you can probably travel to one fairly easily. And if you live in New York, Massachusetts, New Jersey, or Delaware, the only four states where fireworks are banned completely, then be a Goddamn patriot and either move to a real state, or break the law like a normal human being (are our lawyers calling again already..?). The point is, don’t bother showing up to any Fourth of July parties without a shit ton of fireworks, and a dream. But mostly, the fireworks.
We all know that drinking and driving are about as compatible as an ass on your elbow. But how drunk is too drunk to get behind the wheel? Don’t rely on a belligerent friend’s claim that he’s “all good to drive, bro”—make him prove it, by blowing his iPhone. Literally. The BACtrack Mobile Breathalyzer features an internal air pump with fuel cell sensor technology and Bluetooth connectivity, allowing you to monitor your blood-alcohol level in real-time via a free smartphone app. The BAC also allows you to track your drinking habits over time, and monitor other personal stats, like how alcohol affects you, and when you can expect to sober up. This holiday weekend, you’ll know exactly what you’re blowing before you—or the local sheriff—get anywhere near your car. Admittedly, that sounds a lot dirtier than we intended.
It’s a classic Independence Day conundrum: After the barbecue, you go for a fully-clothed dip in the local swimming hole. When you emerge from the leech-infested waters, you suddenly remember that the only book of matches for 50 miles in every direction was in your pocket. Don’t panic! Zippo’s Emergency Firestarter Kit features a flint-wheel ignition and water-resistant waxed tinder sticks housed in a case with a water-resistant O-ring seal, to ensure that you’ve got fire at all times, no matter what you need to light – a bonfire, a crack pipe, an M-80…Just normal July 4th stuff, mostly.
Also on Maxim.com:
How to Start Your Own Micronation
10 Reasons We Would Never Swim in this Terrifying East River Pool