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How To Have a Mid-Life Crisis Without Permanently Ruining Your Life

And without all that nasty scarring to your body and bank account.

Instead of Buying a Ferrari, Rent One

It may sound like a cliché, but buying a sports car is still the number one sign that your dick has stopped working you may be going through a mid-life crisis. Instead of dropping a boatload of cash on a tiny car to prove you’re a big man, we suggest taking one of Hertz’s Dream Cars for a spin. The rental chain recently added a fleet of super high-end cars—think Aston Martins, Bentleys, Lamborghinis, Teslas, Porsches, and so on—which are delivered with full-fledged white glove service. They’re not cheap compared to the mid-size Fords you’re probably used to renting, but when you wake up in a few weeks and realize it was all just a phase, you’ll be glad you didn’t blow the kids’ tuition on a whim. And if not, well, there’s always Viagra.

 

Instead of Getting a Permanent Tattoo, Get a Press-On Tattoo


Photo: Flickr.com/ daveynin

You know what is the saddest thing in the world? A 45-year-old man who gets a Chinese proverb or a Native American headdress tattooed on the small of his back. It seems like this would be obvious, but some men seem to think that it will make them seem more youthful. Do not make this mistake. Instead, get a taste of what douchebaggery is like without fully committing, and try walking around with a temporary tattoo for a week. If you still want to get inked after that week is up, we suggest getting something simple and meaningful that really encompasses you as a person.

 

Instead of Busting Your Ass at the Gym, Wear This Fake Muscle Shirt

Photo courtesy of Halloween Express

Remember in American Beauty how Kevin Spacey dusts off his old benchpress and tries to get ripped so he can impress his teenage daughter's best friend? Ugh, that was the worst. Because the only thing more horrifying than a typical gym rat is a middle-aged guy who just discovered the gym, and now spends all day trying to bond with the trainers and saying things like, “Can you spot me, bro?” Plus, let’s be honest: You’re probably not going to keep this gym thing going much longer anyway. Eventually, you’ll remember how much you like beer, and hate exercise. So why not just save yourself the night terrors and shame, and wear one of these padded muscle tees instead? You won’t fool anyone into thinking your pecs are real, but at least they’ll be staring at something other than your bald spot.

 

Instead of Having an Affair, Watch Porn


Photo: iStockphoto.com | kizilkayaphotos | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

We fully acknowledge that you don’t have to be going through a mid-life crisis to be tempted to stray from your marriage—you just have to be married. But something about reaching mid-life causes some men to act on impulses they would previously have suppressed. Maybe things have gotten boring in the marital bedroom; or maybe you're just looking for a 20-year-old hottie to reinforce the idea that you are still attractive. Either way, you ought to think twice before going through with it. Most affairs end badly. But more importantly, do you have the Internet? Because there is more weird, freaky, free porn out there than you can watch in a lifetime - at least, that's what we've heard. From other people. Look, the point is, whatever you think Mallory the babysitter might do for you behind closed doors, she probably won't. But there are thousands of girls on the Internet who are doing it right now.

 

Instead of Converting to Buddhism, Smoke Some Buddha


Photo: iStockphoto.com / denitsam / Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013


We've got nothing against Buddhism, but sometimes converting to a new religion is not the answer. You know what almost always is the answer? Getting high. So before you start dressing like a hippy and meditating and buying "Free Tibet" bumper stickers and generally making people feel weird, try taking a few monster rips off of ol' Billy Bong Thornton. You're bound to start feeling better once those creative juices start flowing, and at the very least it'll ease your panic over the realization that your life is nearly over. Just kidding. It's called "mid-life" for a reason. You're only halfway there, sport! And luckily, going downhill is much easier anyway.



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