Easy as it is to get carried away in the heat of a steamy moment, some things are better left unsaid. There are questions women don’t want to be asked while naked (“Do you believe in God?) and some personal disclosures (“I’m a Brony”) that shouldn’t be made in bed. Like sports commentary, sex talk is a complicated art – but not too complicated. Less is more, specifically when you’re tempted to say any one of the following things:
1) “That’s not my thing.”
For some men, oral sex is a point of contention, but if you really want to please a women everything has to be “your thing.” Rather than rejecting the idea immediately, let her guide you and tell you what she likes. There’s nothing sexier than expertise.
2) “Let me take a selfie.”
Unless you’re in a trusting committed relationship with someone who is willing to put your escapades on tape, don’t ask to document your sex or yourself in bed. You’ll come off as both creepy and self-involved, two traits that don’t generally lead to good sex.
3) “My ex used to love when I…”
Listen: Women aren’t dumb. We are aware that you’ve been with other people before. That doesn’t mean we want to be reminded. Instead, create new memories by trying something different with your partner, something you didn’t do with your ex.
4) “Are you done yet?”
Sex should be a half marathon, not a sprint. Sure, we’ve all got shit to do, but usually that shit can wait an extra few minute. Also, if you can’t tell, the answer is probably no.
5) “Do I look fat?”
There’s nothing like major insecurity to bring sex to a screeching halt. If you’re feeling down on yourself, turn off the lights.
6) “I love you.”
Hey, if you’re in a loving, committed relationship, shout this one from the rooftops. Good for you! If you’re not, and these three little words have never before been exchanged, keep it to yourself. Nothing says, "I want to wear your skin" like a mid-coitus profession of love.
If you wouldn’t call her that at a cocktail party, don’t call her that during a private party. Nicknames – even boring ones – have to be earned.
8) “My dog watches sometimes.”
It’s nice that you have a dog and too bad that you have no shame.
9) “Can you grab my phone?”
You may be a very important person, but if you’re not the President you’re not that important. Hell, if you’re the President, the Secret Service will come and get you if it’s a real big deal.
10) “Let’s just get this over with.”
A quickie can be fun and sexy, but never make sex sound like a chore. Pretend to be excited.
11) Literally any form of baby talk
And how would you describe your relationship with your mother?
12) “Let the butchery begin!”
Photos by Tom Merton / Getty Images