I think we can all agree that 2016 was an...interesting year, to say the least. Lots of weird shit happened that made us look to the heavens and shake our heads, including:
- The thing with Harambe
- Brexit, which threw the EU into turmoil
- The obsession with Pokémon Go
- A whole bunch of political stuff
But when it comes to sex news, oh boy. It's another story. With the year coming to a close, it’s only right to reflect on some of the most bizarre sex news we’ve seen, and fully acknowledge just how weird sex in 2016 ended up being.
1. The Swiss blowjob café
Probably the most mind-boggingly weird sex news of the year is that of Fellatio Cafe, a coffee shop opening in Geneva, Switzerland, where you can get a hot, delicious cup of coffee, with a side of hot, delicious blowjob.
2. The erotic carp calendar
Leave it to Germany to produce something that makes our lives ten times better. Luxury cars, Bayer aspirin, and now, an erotic carp calendar. A gloriously bizarre take on the sexy calendar, the Carponizer Carp Calendar features 12 racy pictures of barely clothed women seductively holding shiny, gooey carp. Sooooo hot.
3. That time CNN accidentally broadcast porn instead of Anthony Bourdain
In one of the most hilarious fuckups of recent times, CNN accidentally broadcast 30 minutes of hardcore porn instead of a new episode of Anthony Bourdain’s Parts Unknown. Luckily the epic blunder was confined to the Boston area only, but still. Whoopsie!
4. A 100-year old horny tortoise had more sex than you
FYI, 2016 was also the year an old geezer tortoise named Diego had so much slow-motion sex that he fathered 800 tiny tortoise babies and saved his entire species. Really – when there were only 2 males and 12 females left of the Galapagos giant tortoises, Diego stepped up his sex game and became daddy of the year when he created literally 40 percent of today’s Galapagos giant tortoise population.
Yeah, so while we were all watching Netflix and not really doing anything significant, Old Man Jenkins over here was saving his species with his tiny little turtle dick.
Respect, little man.
Ever wish you had a bizarrely taut nutsack? Lucky for you, 2016 brought upon us a plastic surgery trend called Scrotox. As the name implies, Scrotox is when men get Botox, a.k.a. botulism, injected into their huevos to make their sack as tight as a drum.
Apparently, plastic surgeons never thought men would ever ask to get food poisoning injected into their balls, yet here we are.
6. The Most Beautiful Anus Contest
2015 blessed us with the most beautiful vagina contest, and it was pretty weird. And since 2016 was the year the world began its rapid decline towards the apocalypse, the same dude behind the beautiful vagina contest held a most beautiful anus contest to find the most aesthetically pleasing butthole in the world. How hole-some! Ha. Haha.
7. An elderly Italian woman was rescued by firemen after she got stuck in a chastity belt
Back in January, a 60-year old woman in the town of Padua, Italy, strolled down to her local firehouse and reportedly said: “Hello, I lost the keys to a lock and I can’t open it.” Naturally, the firemen thought she misplaced the keys to her car or house or something, but oh, no. She lifted her sweater and flashed the unsuspecting firemen with a huge iron girdle strapped to her vagina.
Obviously, she didn’t get the memo that chastity belts are no longer a thing, but no matter. The firemen saved the day and did what firemen do best: they saved her kitty.
8. Blowjobs for veterans on Veteran's Day
America got real patriotic on Veteran’s day this year when "the wildest house in America," Sausage Castle, offered veterans free dinner, haircuts, tattoos, and blowjobs to thank them for all they’ve done for this country.
God bless America.
9. The terrifying Vagina Mask
2016 was the year many nightmares came to life, wouldn’t you agree? The very real popularization of sex robots, some noteworthy political stuff, and of course, the creation of this vagina mask.
It’s unknown whether the person who made this mask got inspiration from a burn victim, Cthulhu, or some kind of disgusting alien that was dropped in a vat of nuclear waste, but we do know that this is one gnarly coochie.
10. $10,000 Japanese sex robots
2016 was no doubt the year of the sexbots. The past 12 months bestowed upon us so many new and increasingly wonky/frightening sex robot concepts that it’s safe to assume 2017 is going to be full of even weirder ones. I’m predicting: sexbots that can fly, sexbots with libertarian free will, and sexbots that have Tesla’s Death Ray machine embedded in their silicone vaginas. You know, for a little extra kink.
Anyway, one of the strangest sex robot inventions of 2016 was, without a doubt, the $10,000 fully-customizable Japanese sex dolls, with a titanium skeleton and bendy limbs. Oh, and you can choose to have one with milkable breasts, if you’re into the whole mommy thing.
Weird sex robot honorable mention: $15,000 sweaty sex robots with warm bajingos. Weird.
And there you have it. 2016, ladies and gentlemen. We're clearly going in the right direction.