The 47 Things Maxim Is Thankful For This Holiday Season
It’s a great time to be alive.
1. Candice Swanepoel’s Instagram
She’s a Maxim Hot 100 winner and her nickname is “perfection” for a reason.
They kick ass and sing Disney songs. What else do you want?
In the seventies, the FDA banned thujone, the chemical in wormwood that makes European absinthe such a delirious delight. Haters say that thujone-free absinthe is a contradiction, but we can’t hear them over the sounds of clinking glasses.
We love our democratic republic, but one look at Donald’s distinguished locks get us yearning for a silver-haired monarch. All hail the King of California Cool.
5.Jennifer Lawrence’s Relentless Quirk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpIDyQuKU-k
Whatever she’s on, we want some—oh, it’s just booze. Cheers to our favorite ingénue-on-the-rocks.
6.This Evergreen Video of British WW2 Soldiers on LSD
“One hour after administration of the drug, with one man having climbed a tree to feed the birds, the troop commander gave up. He himself then relapsed into laughter.”
We don’t know why it took a Brit to deliver the best news on American television (and on your Aunt Mable’s HBOGo account), but we’re glad it’s this insidious Saxon.
8.45,000 BTU Turkey Deep Fryers
Though it would have preferred not dying, your Thanksgiving turkey would be delighted to know its carcass was plunged into several gallons of 500-degree peanut oil. That’s how you do it right.
9.The Dodge Challenger Hellcat
Long-term, we gotta get those ice caps re-frozen; short-term, you will find us refilling this 707-horsepower sedan.
10. Hot Moms
We don’t even care if Gisele is a Martian-made humanoid meant to eventually rise up and murder New England’s favorite quarterback. She’s so beautiful.
“needa get my unicorn ass up and at em.” You always do, Miley.
12.Evolution
If we didn’t have legs we’d have to live in the ocean, which is apparently terrifying.
Just listen.
14. We don’t play for the Chicago Bears
As lovers of the Great Lakes, bratwurst and political corruption, we’d usually be rooting for Chicago, but we’re parachuting out of this tailspin.
Courtesy Ferrari
Sure, a Subaru will get you there, but if given the chance, why not strap a ski rack on top of Ferrari’s all-wheel-drive, V12 station wagon?
He’s almost forty, he’s leading the league in scoring, and he gives post-game interviews like most men give the finger.
It’s not the fastest Porsche, nor the flashiest, but show us a sexier compromise of racecar and cruiser. Think of it as Porsche’s house blend.
18.Baseball is going to have a switch pitcher next season
Pat Venditte has twice the arms of a regular pitcher, and his name in the rule books.
19.Eastern Michigan has a lineman named Lion King
Next up, LSU’s new quarterback, Jungle Book.
Courtesy Paul Johnson/Getty Images
Blow those bastards sipping Valrhona hot chocolate out of the water.
21. Photoshop
The internet is not broken.
Winter is coming and Scotch is still delicious.
Hard work is for squares.
24.Taking casual walks with Gigi Hadid
Social media is a beautiful, supermodel-filled thing.
25.Ready to Die is still perfection at 20
In honor of Biggie, as soon as he buy that wine, slip up from behind and ask her what her interests are, who she be with.
26.McConaughey
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTHlXb0PXh4
Whether he’s a cowboy, lawyer, broker, stripper or bro, we’re in awe.
Putin is scary, but we’re all for a little retro Soviet style.
The ecstatic high of salami without the soul-crushing low of grocery shopping.
29. American Regionalism Isn’t Dead
With due respect, screw Tesla—this is honest American ingenuity.
The quilt that Grandma would make you if Grandma were in Hell’s Angels.
31. Good Coats
For when you want to be warm and imposing.
Courtesy Express Newspapers/Getty Images
We would happily listen to Dylan lyrics even if they were dictated to us by the gravelly voice of Time Warner’s ersatz answering robot.
33.Gravy
Sometimes, a man’s bass is for him alone.
35.Tony Little’s Can-Do Spirit
We commend the king of exercise infomercials and are writing to Santa for quads even half the size of Tony’s.
Your time is precious and laces are a fool’s game.
While there’s a certain queasiness to the luxurious appropriation of a workman’s tool, we can’t resist the cool and sturdy look of MJM’s 50-foot yachts.
38.A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQ961y0VKEk
39.Lip Balm
Cracked lips make you look like a meth addict, and there’s not enough mistletoe in the world to overcome that comparison and get you a kiss.
40.AmySchumer
The funniest woman on television ended up with her own show. Sometimes, the gods are kind.
Even if you die wakeboarding in a canal behind a Ferrari F50, at least you died wakeboarding in a canal behind a FerrariF50.
42.Fold-flat seats in business class
If it’s going on the company card, upgrade and fight for you right to REM.
43.Really cozy cultural appropriation blankets
Navajo print is cool and no one does wool better than Pendleton. If it’s good enough for pioneers…
Sometimes, cruising through on talent gets a little dull. A Lebron who’s turning a franchise around is more compelling than a Lebron who’s ring shopping.
45.Warm Ears
Courtesy Fjallraven
For sunglasses, we trust the Italians; for winter clothes, it’s the hearty Swedes every time.
God knows where the season will bring you, but wherever that is, the Unimog can get you back.
47.America’s Glorious Emergence from Puritanism