BuzzFeed is infamous for their fun "life hack" videos, but sometimes it seems like they come up with a good idea for a video, but then don’t quite know what to do with it. That’s what probably happened when they decided to make a video on half-assed ways to jerk off, titled “6 Easy Masturbation Hacks For Men.”
Judging from the sheer absurdity of these so-called “masturbation hacks,” my guess is that the BuzzFeed staff threw a bunch of second grade vocabulary flash cards at a wall and used the resulting arbitrary word arrangements as inspiration.
For example, their first hack is the Double-Hander, which is when you smear lube on your hands, lock your fingers together, and give yourself a two-handed rubdown. Not weird, but not original, either. Moving on.
Next is the Mystery Handy, in which you use your non-dominant hand to weakly and inefficiently jerk off. Satisfying...? But again, not strange.
Now comes the weird stuff. Honestly, I don’t even know what's going on with the third hack. Here, BuzzFeed is telling you to keep your underwear on, get a boner, and tap the tip of your dick. Just gently tickle-tap it.
What? Why the hell would anyone want to do that? Apparently, “the slow buildup will make your climax explosive.” Buildup of what? Apathy? Maybe they’re hoping you’ll relax your penis into submission…? I don’t know.
Okay. This next one had me in tears. BuzzFeed wants you to fuck a bar of soap. Literally carve a hole in a bar of soap and stick your dick in it like a desperate 11-year old.
And here’s the kicker -- they encourage you to wear a condom, because your soap donut can totally irritate your junk.
I have no words.
The last two hacks are more or less normal, so I won't even get into those. But dick tapping? A soap fleshlight? Nice try, BuzzFeed. You're great and all, but no. Just no.