Why She Slept With You: The Internet Dater

Sexual decisions are both complicated and extremely not.

I've known Leah* for almost a decade. She moved to New York City from Texas at the age of 17 and, after spending several years as a dominatrix, now earns a living as a writer. Sometimes, we talk about sex. She’s always honest.

You say that you don’t feel like you’ve been deliberately seduced.

If I want to have sex with someone, I’m probably going to be fairly proactive about it. I think that my being seduced would only happen if I didn’t initially want to have sex with a particular person yet they created that desire within me in spite of that.

You’ve been on Internet dates, right?


So at what point do you decide, “Oh, I’m going to sleep with this guy”?

Within the first 10 minutes of meeting them.

That long?

Well, there’s the initial me walking into the room and thinking, “oh yeah, you are very, very good looking” - but that’s not enough. It takes 10 minutes of conversation to see how they comport themselves, how well they can get into conversation, figure out if there’s any rapport there, an initial chemistry.

So what does an ideal seduction look like for you?

In an ideal seduction scenario, I would already desire the person but because of various reasons – power dynamics, existing relationships, where we happen to be at the time – sex is seemingly not an option…or at least a bad judgment call.    

He’s just come back from Liberia, he’s running a fever of 103…

Exactly. So it’s a long shot and then it’s all down to rapport. Can he get me there in spite of the various obstacles?  I’m going to respond to an incredibly fast, intellectual, lively ping pongingdialogue. That’s obviously the best fore-foreplay. And then, maybe a little bit of cockiness works well. I’m not talking about “negging” or any of that bullshit. But rather a vibe of “you don’t scare me,” “sex doesn’t scare me.”  I don’t want to watch a guy realize that he might not be able to handle me because if he’s thinking that way, he certainly won’t be able to.

What gets you thinking about asking for the check?

An erection barely restrained by denim.

I was not expecting you to say that.

Oh yeah. Boner in public. That’s a big one.

Something impressive.

You hope. That’s the moment when it goes from “I’m attracted to you” to “I’m horny.” I think that’s maybe the thing with women. I think it’s one thing to be attracted to someone, but I think it’s quite a feat to get a girl horny. I mean, there’s been times when that physical need for sex with someone has been so powerful, it’s actually taken my breath away. 

What will get you throwing a hundred at the bar tender and stuffing this guy into a cab?

That’s easy: If he grabs me by the hair on the crown of my head and kisses my neck. 

Okay, so once this has happened and you’re barreling out of a bar, is there anything a guy can still do to screw it up?

Yeah. I mean, he could say some weird homophobic stuff. That happened to me on a plane recently. Incidentally I was in first class because I’m better than you…. He kept saying that he was cool with gay guys but then made a big deal about working out in a gym with gay men around. I totally lost interest at that point.

What else will cool you right off?

Maybe if he farted in the cab. Actually, I’m pretty forgiving. I’d probably just laugh. 

*No, that's not a picture of Leah. That's a picture of a very lovely woman modeling for a stock photographer.

Photos by Matthew Leete / Getty Images