Our hottie host picks some of her favorite jokes from the Sony SmartWatch contest. More jokes below:
Teacher: Johnny, can you name the 3 kings who brought joy and happiness to his people’s lives?
Johnny: Smo-king, drin-king and fuc-king!
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom, “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well,” said the women, “Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in softwareservices: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he has a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
Belle Vernon, PA
Boy asks his grandma, “Have you seen my pills marked LSD?”
Grandma replies, “Fuck the pills; have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?”
“When is it okay to punch a little person?” “When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells good.”
“April I lost my phone number, can I have yours?”
“Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory?” “She threw away all of the W&W’s.”
"What do you call a blonde in the freezer?” “A frosted flake.”
A brunette is on train tracks jumping up and down yelling 51 51 51.
A blonde walks by and sees her and asks to join – the brunette says sure – they’re both jumping up and down yelling 51 51 51.
A train comes – the brunette gets off the tracks but the blonde stays – BAM! The blonde gets hit.
The brunette gets back on the tracks – 52 52 52
Lake Charles, LA
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed over. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, and then a gunshot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”
Pompton Lakes, NJ
“Why did Ariel buy the seashells?” “Because the B shells were too small!”
A guy walks into his house with a goat under his arm and looks at his wife and says, “This is the pig I’ve been banging when you won’t pup out!”
She replies, “That’s a goat, not a pig.”
He replies, “I’m not talking to you.”
Hilton Head Island, SC
A man is speeding down the road and after going under bridge gets pulled over. The cop walks up and asks him, “What’s the hurry?”
The man replies, “I’m on my way to see a patient, I’m an anal surgeon.” The cops asks what an anal surgeon does, so the man replies, “First I have to get my finger inside and work it to stretch it until I can get more fingers in, then I stretch more until I can get my hand in and then both hands in. I then have to continue stretching until it’s about 6 feet.”
The cop is shocked and asks, “What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?”
The man says “Give him a car and a badge to go sit on a bridge.”