<a href="http://countrystore.tabasco.com/prodinfo.asp?number=04193" target="_blank">Tabasco Camouflage Apron</a>, $17.95-
Why limit your camouflage to cargo pants when you can tally your taxes or wipe your ass with the trendy pattern? We found 17 products that take the military theme to new highs (and lows). Camo, we salute you. Not properly, of course, but we mean well.
Unlike camouflage t-shirts, this apron fits all sizes thanks to an adjustable neck band and ties. Yes, it’s girth-neutral. Handy pockets allow you to carry key tools—like a flare gun to let people know you locked yourself in the porta-potty in the most dramatic way possible.
<a href="http://www.mosquitocreekoutdoors.com/product/Rivers_Edge_Camo_Toilet_Seat/Everything_Camo" target="_blank">River’s Edge Camo Toilet Seat</a>, $60-
At least with a camouflaged toilet seat, you have an excuse for missing the bowl.
<a href="http://www.google.com/search?q=Camouflage+Recliner&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a" target="_blank">Teddy Bear Camouflage Chaise Swivel Glider Recliner</a>, $700 plus shipping-
Swivel, glide, recline…what else can you do in this chair? Shoot the TV maybe? Guns not included, sadly.
<a href="http://www.justcamo.com/ecommerce/ducks-unlimited-max-4-camo-universal-seat-cover.html" target="_blank">Ducks Unlimited Max-4 Camo Universal Seat Cover</a>, $35-
The upside: you have a cool, bad-ass hunter-themed car interior! The downside: your drunk buddies may mistake it for a handy bush.
<a href="http://www.groomstand.com/personalized-green-camouflage-flask-4233" target="_blank">Camouflage Flask</a>, $32-
If camouflage helps our boys hide from overhead aircraft during wartime, it sure as hell ought to help you hide your booze from the ushers at the outdoor concert. So long as you’re dressed as a tree.
<a href="http://www.budshop.com/product/474" target="_blank">Budweiser Camouflage Beer Cozy</a>, $7.99-
Seems like a pretty great way to lose your beer if you ask us.
<a href="http://www.baronbob.com/camouflage-toiletpaper.htm" target="_blank">Camouflage Toilet Paper</a>, $5.95 for a roll of 200 sheets of 3-ply paper-
Technically, you could use this camo toilet paper and then hang it back up again, and no one would be any the wiser until it was too late. But you wouldn’t do a thing like that, right? …right?
<a href="http://www.camocondom.com/" target="_blank">Camo Condoms</a>, $2.99 per condom-
Make yours a camo-chameleon! The two available slogans say it all: "Protection When In The Bush" and "Don't Let Them See You Coming."
<a href="http://store.apple.com/us/product/H5176ZM/A" target="_blank">Andy Warhol 15-Inch Camouflage Laptop case</a>, $59.95-
Pop artist, computer accessory, camouflage—it’s the perfect storm of randomness. Andy’s signature on the front clues in other hunters as to your art history savvy.
<a href="http://www.worldsmileshop.com/dunk-pro-sb-high-premium-baroque-camo-shoes-p-1496.html" target="_blank">Nike Dunk Pro SB Camouflage Shoes</a>, $56-
You’ll fly through the air just a little higher wearing these sneakers (disclaimer: you will not necessarily fly through the air any higher wearing these sneakers). Recommended for play with the camouflage basketball.
<a href="http://www.thecamoshop.com/camouflage-gifts/camouflage-gifts/mossy-oak-calculator.html" target="_blank">Mossy Camouflage Calculator</a>, $6-
For the outdoorsy accountant in your family. This model features 8-digit readout, dual/solar power and big ole orange buttons, which kind of render the “camouflage” aspect redundant, don’t they?
<a href="http://store.realtree.com/realtree-classic-camo-shower-curtains.html" target="_blank">Realtree Advantage Classic Camo Shower Curtains</a>, $39.50-
The water’s pouring down on your face, it’s hot, you’re surrounded by nature--and you’re naked. But enough about the time you were arrested in Wet’n’Wild – check out this camo shower curtain! (72 inches by 72 inches.)
<a href="http://store.mossyoak.com/detail.aspx?ID=347" target="_blank">Camouflage Bedding</a>, $120-
Wake up and smell the napalm? No thanks. Wake up and see some camo sheets? OK! This set contains a comforter, 2-shams and a bed skirt, and has the added advantage of making you invisible to monsters in the dark.
<a href="http://www.zazzle.com/camouflage_necktie-151547606101749872" target="_blank">Zazzle Camouflage Tie</a>, $40-
Not just for military formals anymore… This 55" long, 4" wide tie can also be used as a wacky headband when drunk (if you do this, please don’t talk to us).
<a href="http://www.windycitynovelties.com/236343p/camouflage-santa-hats.html" target="_blank">Camouflage Santa Hat</a>, $29.35-
The good news: Santa’s looking a bit more macho this year. The bad news: You have to buy a dozen of these freakin’ hats at a time.
<a href="http://www.security-wizard.net/savanna-combat-camo-belt-buckle-knuckle.html" target="_blank">Savanna Combat Camouflage Brass Knuckle Belt Buckle</a>, $9.95-
Shiny steel brass knuckles catch the light and give away your intentions too early. Pull this doozy from your belt (it clips on) and the opposition won’t ever see it coming (although those five witnesses will, and they’ll be all too happy to testify against you.)
<a href="http://giftwarehouse.com/38809.html" target="_blank">Camouflage Hammock</a>, $25.48-
Yeah, like no one will see you napping mid-day because your hammock, in camouflage print, blends in with the trees. Supporting up to 250 pounds, if you fall on your face, you can’t blame anyone but yourself.