Tommy Chong Talks Bud, Boobies, and Body Crabs

The cannabis-loving comic abstained from toking up long enough to answer the same 10 questions we always ask everyone.

The cannabis-loving comic abstained from toking up long enough to answer the same 10 questions we always ask everyone. 

Photo: Michael Tran / FilmMagic | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

Let’s get the obvious question out of the way: Are you stoned right now?

No, I actually waited so I would be a little more coherent. Sometimes when I smoke now, I kind of lose my train of thought. And you’d have to repeat a lot of things, so I held off. Because smoking to me now is my reward for a good day’s job. After this interview, I have it all ready. I got my little pipe, I got another pipe, and I got my little bud sitting on my desk.

I don’t want to stop you, so feel free to light up at any point.

No, no. I’ll wait.

That’s some serious willpower. Let’s talk about Cheech and Chong’s Animated Movie, which is out on DVD and Blu-ray today. How did this movie come to be?

What happened is that we did those voices and characters 30 years ago when we were young guys, and now we’re old. And now the only way to be young again is to do it through animation. [Producer-brothers] Eric and Brandon Chambers chose the bits from our original recordings, and then we glued all the bits together with a funny little character called Buster the Body Crab. He starts off in a girl’s private parts, and he ends up on the moon. It’s really funny, and kind of R-rated.

Your comedy bits have stood the test of time. What’s the secret?

The Cheech and Chong mystique, as it were, is children’s jokes for adults, and that’s always been our secret. There’s a kid in everybody, so when we did our humor, we aimed for that 13-year-old mentality. Because that was the age just before you discovered girls, where the only thing you had was your best friend and lots to laugh about. I mean, you went out of your way to do stupid, funny things just so you could laugh, because really, laughter and crying were your only outlets at that age. And so this is what made Cheech and Chong famous, and this is what’s gonna make this animation movie kick-ass.

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You’re going to be 75-years-old next month. Do you still laugh at the same stuff?

Yeah. But when you get older, you get tired. You don’t have the energy to do anything, including laugh. I laugh, but not as hard.

AND NOW: THE SAME 10 QUESTIONS WE ALWAYS ASK EVERYONE!

What is the last thing you had to apologize for?

Screaming at my wife. When I’m driving, she’ll be on the phone, and then she’ll look up and cars will be in front of us stopping and she’ll be like, “Stop! Stop!” She’s usually right, but this one time, she was wrong, and she just wasn’t paying attention, so she yelled at me and I yelled back at her. I actually haven’t apologized for it yet, but I will eventually.

What is your favorite curse word?

Probably the F word. But it has to be used in the right context.

What is the worst hangover you’ve ever had?

God, that goes back a lot of years because I quit drinking. I guess it was after a champagne binge a good 30-odd years ago. That next morning I woke up, and it felt like there was a desert in my mouth. Champagne goes down easy, but oh my god, the headache. It was horrible. I realized that this was happening too often. I’m a body builder from way back, so I just quit drinking. Cold turkey.

Do you have a scar that tells a story?

I got a bunch of ‘em. I got one right above my heart on my left side. My brother stabbed me with a wooden sword. Then I got one on my finger on my right hand. That’s when my brother tried to chop off my finger. See, back when we were kids, we made swords out of sticks and then fought with them. He did warn me, though.

That was nice of him. Do you have any party tricks?

Just one: Don’t go to parties. When you’re an entertainer, the last place you want to be is somewhere where people are like, “Hey would you take a picture?” Can you sign this?” So I just don’t go to parties. That’s my trick.

What’s the biggest thing you have ever put in your mouth?

I can’t remember her name, but she had these titties that were just huge and beautiful. Double Ds, at least. And I got as much of her right breast as I could in my mouth. We were very young. This was actually before you got into the heavy-duty sex. This is the playing-around safe sex.

What is the one thing to remember in a fist fight?

Just don’t let ‘em get close. Keep your distance.

Who was the last person to see you naked?

My wife.

Finish this sentence. If I ruled the world for a day I would….

Mandate that everybody in the world would have to smoke up. All at the same time.

Cheech & Chong’s Animated Movieis now available on DVD and Blu-ray.  

Want more Tommy Chong? Check out his stoner treatment of classic animated flicks. Want more movies? Check out the four craziest fan movie theories.