If you can’t trust a manatee, Rob Ford, and some cupcakes to predict the Super Bowl, who can you trust?
We’re always looking for reliable ways to predict the outcome of the Super Bowl, and this year, we’re going old-school, attempting to read the various omens in the week’s news. We found seven highly convincing (probably…to someone…somewhere) signs as to the outcome. Some pointed to a Broncos win, some to a Seahawks victory, so we weighed them up against each other to see who’ll come out on top on Sunday.
Omen #1: Rob Ford Wearing A Broncos Shirt
Our favorite crack-smoking Toronto Mayor showed up to a press conference yesterday wearing this Broncos jersey. It wasn’t even a sports-related press conference. Does this mean fate sides with the Broncos? More importantly, does this mean that Rob Ford’s crack dealer has fixed the game somehow? Either way, it seems pretty persuasive to us! (Disclaimer: We’re morons.)
Omen #2: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis’ Multiple Grammy Wins
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis took home four Grammy awards on Sunday night – the most ever won by a Seattle-based artist. Does this point towards a trend of Seattle winning more things? Like the Super Bowl? It is totally not impossible that this might perhaps be what this maybe means!
Omen #3: The Clairvoyant Manatee In Florida Chose The Broncos
He’s been right for the last six years, so he has to be right again this year. That’s, like, science. It’s true. Ask a scientist. Or a manatee. Whatever. Moving on.
Omen #4: 58-Million-Year-Old Seabird Found In New Zealand
Seems like an awfully fortuitous time to discover an extremely important fossil of some kind of hawk of the sea, doesn’t it?
Omen #5: Madden NFL 25 Is Going Broncos
EA Sports claims that their latest game, Madden NFL 25, has accurately predicted the entire game, and that the Broncos will win it in overtime. Since this is a video game that involves computer chips and technology and things, there is no way this prediction could possibly be wrong. Otherwise, what are we even science-ing for in the first place?
Omen #6: This Horse Nearly Drowned In An Icy Pond
This one isn’t so much a sign of a Seahawks victory as it is a warning that the Broncos will lose. In Hamilton, MA, yesterday, firefighters had to struggle to rescue a horse – an animal that is sometimes known as a “Bronco”!!! – from the icy pond it had fallen into. The horse barely survived the ordeal. Does this mean that the Broncos will struggle horribly in the frigid, snowy conditions of the Snow Bowl? IT COULD TOTALLY MEAN THAT.
Omen #7: We Didn’t Eat All Of These Cupcakes
The lovely people at Baked By Melissa sent us two boxes of cupcakes yesterday – one box colored for the Broncos, the other colored for the Seahawks. When the swarm of greedy vultures that make up the Maxim staff finally drifted away from the table four hours later, this was all that remained: A small handful of Broncos cupcakes. Clearly, in the battle of “who is the tastiest and also looks more appetizing because ugh, orange and blue does not make me want to put you in my mouth,” the Seahawks have the upper hand. Although, it must be said, both boxes were actually delicious.
So there you have it! 4-3 in favor of Seattle. We have learned two important things: Firstly, that science categorically proves a Seahawks victory this weekend, so you’d better rush to your bookie right now and bet your house, your wife, and every penny you will ever earn between now and death on a Seattle win on Sunday. You will absolutely not regret it at all. The other thing we have learned is that we have no idea what “science” means.