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Five Girls You'll Always Meet on Spring Break


The Townie
What she lacks in dental care she more than makes up for in hatred of every single spring breaker descending on her otherwise bucolic berg. (Yes, her town probably leads the nation in dumpster fires and rabid orphans but she’s got pride, damn it!)

The Hot Mess
This confusingly hot girl is covered in hard-earned beads, a little bit of vomit, and bruises in the shapes of shot glasses. She will begin telling you a story, stop mid-sentence, and then say, "What?" like a worried talking puppy. She will also have strong opinions about all women named Tara. Don't ask about Tara.

The High School Girl
Pop quiz: What has two arms, two legs, a vestigial third nipple, and a spot on the sex offender registry? That’s right, Garry Glitter! Also, you.

The Girl You Will Try to Have a Long Distance Relationship With
We know, dude. She totally gets you. But attempting to maintain a long distance relationship with a woman you met between dry-heaves is not a good idea.

The Thermonuclear Device
“Grenades” are women who will attempt to block your hookup attempt with their friends. This H-bomb will shutdown the club, set it on fire, salt the earth, and probably call the police before allowing any man in a 10-mile radius to talk to anybody.