William Shatner’s Got 24 Hours to Live
He’s been Captain Kirk, T. J. Hooker, and the go-to guy for getting a great price on a flight. Now he’s boldly going to the great beyond.
He’s been Captain Kirk, T. J. Hooker, and the go-to guy for getting a great price on a flight. Now he’s boldly going to the great beyond.
You’re currently touring 13 cities with your one-man show, Shatner’s World: We Just Live in It. Do you have any deathbed confessions you don’t reveal in the performance?
Yes, I do have a deathbed confession. Lean in and let me whisper it in your ear: “I want to live!”
Will you be going to heaven or hell, and why?
I am actually on my way to limbo. I can’t make up my mind whether to have Vegas fun or joyful lassitude.
If you go to heaven, will you use Priceline to get a good deal on a cloud?
Of course I’ll use Priceline to get a cloud. But of course, you have to go through iCloud to get a cloud, which sometimes clouds your memory. And don’t forget, there is a crowd in that cloud.
What song plays as you die? Your incredible version of Elton John’s “Rocket Man”?
There is a cacophony of some of my best hits.
Was there anyone on Earth you wanted to punch in the face?
I am on my deathbed. Lean in, I want to whisper something to you. Smack! Right in the ear.
While alive, what did you spend the most cash on?
Wives and horses, and not necessarily in that order.
What’s the wildest thing you ever did while you were alive? Anything T. J. Hooker could arrest you for?
While I was alive, I clung to life as fiercely as Hooker clung to the windshield wiper.
How would you want to be saved, Rescue 911 style?
I’d like a helicopter to lift me out of a crevasse the way they do horses. And, by the way, up your crevasse.
If you could come back and spy on someone who’s still alive, who would it be, and why?
My wife. I’d make sure she’s not having too much fun.
James T. Kirk famously got it on with many hot alien babes. What woman did you always want to sleep with?
There was a three-breasted alien who really turned me on, but it has been unrequited.
When all is said and done, who was the better captain of the Enterprise, Kirk or Picard?
That is a difficult question, because in each case the ship exploded.
What are people saying over your casket?
“What a cheap coffin.”
Name one thing you’re glad you’ll never have to do again on Earth.
Give the Vulcan salute? I can’t separate my fingers the way Leonard Nimoy does. Mine always seems to be a clenched fist. Lean in, I want to tell you something…
Write your epitaph.
I did one too many interviews.
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January/February 2013 Beat This Caption