The Definitive Guide to Surviving Any Kind of Party
The authors of the hilarious book You Blew It! talk us through work parties, house parties, and everything in between.
“Humankind is doomed. Especially you.” That’s the premise of Joe Berkowitz and Josh Gondelman’s hilarious quasi-self help book, You Blew It!: An Awkward Look at the Many Ways in Which You’ve Already Ruined Your Life. The book, out October 6th, is both a guide for dealing with friends, family, roommates, and romantic partners — and a reminder of every faux pas you’ve committed in your life. Fun! We’ve excerpted the Party Downers chapter, below. You can order the book here.
When adults use the word “party” as a verb, sadly they’re never talking about bouncy castles, close-up magic, or any other classic party ingredients. Instead, it usually just means getting fugue-state wasted in any setting at all. A squatting hermit, for instance, could spend the saddest evening imaginable sniffing glue in a dimly lit crawl space and be said to have partied pretty hard. Using the term this way is fitting, though, since parties are indeed highly intoxicating but also scary and terrible.
The slick surface of the parties glimpsed in movies and the entire discography of Pitbull is not as it appears. It’s actually littered with anxiety land mines that can detonate whether stepped on by you or by an almost complete stranger with whom you can’t seem to end a conversation.
The danger begins immediately. You walk in and an entire room might introduce itself at once, everyone reciting their names like the Sound of Music kids, even though you’ve forgotten these names before they even hit your ear canal. Either that or you find you’re the first to arrive-an eyewitness to the slow, gradual birthing process, which can be as painful for the observer as walking into an actual delivery room right on time. And that’s just the beginning! There’s an entire party left to foul, and, unlike Las Vegas, what happens at a party not only doesn’t stay there, it echoes for an eternity. (Actually, the same goes for what happens in Vegas. That expression is horseshit.)
Work Parties
What is it?
Going to an office party can be like getting drafted into a long form improv scene that goes on forever and alienates the audience. Everyone is trying to act like they’ve shown up of their own free will, and they do not quite have this acting thing down yet.
Can I skip it?
No, you cannot. These fun, lighthearted romps are mandatory.
What do I bring?
Not much, besides an immunity to small talk that is small on a microbial level.
How much do I drink?
The amount you’d consume on a first date, unless your first dates are often held at Pittsburgh sports bars.
What’s the quickest way to ruin it?
Since your boss will indeed observe it through the Great Eye of Sauron if you’re on your phone the whole time, mingling is highly encouraged. But not everybody in this ragtag unit is a master at the art of mingling (a Mingleangelo), and so there are inevitably lulls in each conversation. This is where you’re most likely to say the kind of things that inspire hilarious orientation videos. Avoid that outcome at all costs. Be more boring than you usually are. Talk about work, even though everybody thinks they hate that.
House Party
What is it?
A house party; unlike most gatherings, actually is every party you see in the movies. Too many people. Too loud music. Too much drinking. It’s a parody of fun. But sometimes also super fun.
Can I skip it?
Yes. Absolutely. No one will ever know. Every house party is like every other house party. Your memory basically files them all in one booze-soaked montage. If you’re in the mood for a house party, show up. If you’re not, don’t. FOMOHP (Fear of Missing Out on a House Party) is negligible because you know exactly what you’d be getting.
What do I bring?
A reasonable guideline is “as much as you’re going to drink, times two.” But you can get away with showing up empty handed if you don’t mind drinking cheap beer and eating corn chips with no salsa or guacamole. Side note: Once you are older than twenty-five, Sam Adams is the minimum acceptable beer. No more Natural Ice or Milwaukee’s Best. Those are for disciplinary beer bonging, and child shoplifters.
How much do I drink?
As much or as little as it takes.
What’s the quickest way to ruin it?
Destroy someone’s private property. Knock over a vase. Spill a drink on a white couch. Clog a toilet. Your options are limitless.
Holiday Parties
What is it?
It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Or that time of year that wasn’t quite as wonderful for you as it was for the other kids, because of your parents’ personal faith, but you’re an adult now so anything goes, Dad.
Can I skip it?
Yes. Nobody likes to admit he or she is just fielding offers before making a shrewd executive decision, but everyone does that. The holiday season is Shark Tank: Your friends are the sharks, and you are the guy who invented a way to turn the gratuitous nudity on Game of Thrones into clean-burning energy.
You’ve got options.
What do I bring?
Wine, side dish, childlike sense of wonder. More important, though, the right outfit. If you show up for Halloween in plain clothes or Cinco de Mayo without your formal sombrero, you’ll be guilty of dress code insubordination. If it’s an Ugly Christmas Sweater shindig, though, wear whatever feels most comfortable while looking for some new friends.
How much do I drink?
Until you sweat eggnog.
What’s the quickest way to ruin it?
Unleash your food issues on the party like an airborne nerve agent.
Dinner Party
What is it?
A dinner party is real adult social interaction. It is composed of food and wine and conversation. It takes place at someone’s house but is definitely not a “house party.” Generally, a dinner party is big enough that you may not know some people but small enough that you’ll have to talk to them anyway. Dinner guests will all be using their indoor voices.
Can I skip it?
You’ll need a pretty solid excuse. It’s likely you’ll have RSVP’d by phone or e-mail, which, unlike a Facebook invitation, means people are actually counting on your attendance.
What do I bring?
A bottle of wine is a safe bet. It says: “I plan to enjoy fifteen to twenty-five dollars’ worth of your company tonight.” A potluck dinner is a different story. You don’t want to underdo it and bring mac and cheese from a box. At the same time, you don’t want to go overboard and roast a pig if other people are showing up with a bag of Funyuns.
How much do I drink?
Read the room and keep pace with the other guests. Err on the side of, “I know all these people and ostensibly want to remember this night.”
What’s the quickest way to ruin it?
Offend someone’s significant other.
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Josh Gondelman is a writer and a comedian in Manhattan, where he currently works as a writer for Last Week Tonight with John Oliver on HBO.
Joe Berkowitz is a writer living in Brooklyn. He is an editor and staff writer at Fast Company, covering entertainment and pop culture, and he writes other things elsewhere.
Adapted from You Blew It! An Awkward Look at the Many Ways in Which You’ve Already Ruined Your Life by Josh Gondelman and Joe Berkowitz. Reprinted by arrangement with Plume, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. Copyright ©2015 by Josh Gondelman and Joe Berkowitz.
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