Guys Who Are Always Losing Their Families

Where's my wife?!?
Avatar:
Author:
Publish date:
Where's my wife?!?
placeholder title

Where’s my wife?!?

We’ve seen our share of movie heroes launch daring missions to save their kidnapped wives, children, and other family members. After all, “hostage situation” is strategy #1 in the Hollywood playbook behind “Adam Sandler does something.” But missing family members seems to be a recurring problem for certain actors. Check out the following stars who just can’t keep a hold of their families.

1. Harrison Ford

placeholder caption

Where He Loses His Family:Air Force One, Firewall, Frantic, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Sometime after the original Star Wars trilogy concluded, movie producers passed a new law in Hollywood: If you’re related to Harrison Ford’s character, you’re gonna get snatched. It doesn’t matter if he’s an archaeologist, president of the United States, or even an innocent surgeon – and it also doesn’t matter whether you’re his wife or his dad. Someone’s coming after you no matter what. The good news is that Harry always gets them back…maybe. (Has anyone actually seen Firewall?)

Courtesy of Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

2. Bruce Willis

placeholder caption

Where He Loses His Family:Die Hard, Live Free or Die Hard, The Last Boy Scout

Considering how John McClane dealt with Hans Gruber, you’d think bad guys would quit messing with Bruce Willis’ family. But they were just warming up. Given the pattern we’ve seen over the past twenty-odd years, expect at least one stolen child (or, more likely, grandchild) in the fivequel with the absolute best name ever, A Good Day to Die Hard.

Courtesy of Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

3. Liam Neeson

placeholder caption

Where He Loses His Family:Taken, Unknown, Darkman

Some actors start taking it easy once they pass 50, which is why you don’t hear from Rick Moranis or Edward Furlong anymore. But Liam Neeson gets better and better. He’s suddenly in full-rampage mode, and his targets are those bastards who took his family. If Taken is any indication, he’s been pretty successful so far. Now what did you say about Nell, kidnapper?

Courtesy of Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

4. Tom Cruise

placeholder caption

Where He Loses His Family:Minority Report, Mission Impossible 3, War of the Worlds

Tom Cruise may need to turn in his parenting license, and not just so his daughter Suri can have a shot at being something more than a photograph. On screen, Cruise tends to lose kids like a normal person loses cell phones. Then again, maybe the tykes are going willingly – we wouldn’t want to listen to Jerry Maguire quotes, either. He quotes them wrong, too. “Show me some money!”

Courtesy of Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

5. Michael Douglas

placeholder caption

Where He Loses His Family:Fatal Attraction, Traffic, Don’t Say a Word

Michael Douglas spends about half his time playing versions of his Wall Street character and the other half playing beleaguered family men whose kids are taken by goons, crazy bitches, or drugs. He may lose his family at the movies, but really, we’re more impressed that, at the age of 67, he’s somehow managed to hang onto his actual wife, Catherine Zeta-Jones. Psst. Catherine. If you’re reading this, say the code word “tornado” and we’ll know you’re being held against your will. Cool? Cool.

Courtesy of Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

6. Mel Gibson

placeholder caption

Where He Loses His Family:Ransom, Reality

It seems Mel Gibson inhabited the role of “guy who loses his family” so completely in Ransom that it carried over to his everyday life. But the loss of his real-life brood and baby mama has less to do with (spoiler alert) Gary Sinise and more to do with his racist, sexist rants and overall buffoonery. Too bad a movie called Hey! Where Are You Going? I’ll Be Better. I Promise, just doesn’t have the same ring. Though Sinisie would surely co-star.

Courtesy of Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Honorable Mentions: Two Guys With Shockingly Low Tallies

Kurt Russell

placeholder caption

Where He Loses His Family:Breakdown

When you star as a man with an eyepatch named Snake, you’re a force to be reckoned with. And Kurt Russell definitely showed his wife’s kidnappers who was boss in Breakdown. Dude managed to take one down with a goddamn letter opener. We can only imagine what he would’ve done in other lost family features. That’s not true, we can also draw it.

Courtesy of Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Arnold Schwarzenegger

placeholder caption

Where He Loses His Family:Commando

In most of Ahnold’s movies, his only family is his arsenal of hand grenades, war paint and catch-phrases. But in Commando, his daughter’s kidnapping is what spurs him into action. If you thought “Get to the choppaaaa!” was the best Schwarzenegger movie line ever, you’ve clearly never seen his Commandopuns.

Courtesy of Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012