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100 Best Things In Cans

Because “100 Best Things in Envelopes” would have been stupid.

1. Beer

Obvious choice, but who said we needed to be cunning? Aside from the wonderful liquid inside, beer cans are collectible works of art. Just look at our beer pyramid and try not to well up. Beer and cans go together like PB and J. Speaking of which…

2. Sandwiches

Your voice says "Eww," but your heart says, "Hmm." Taste aside, the fact that you can buy a sandwich in a can proves that humans are baby steps away from becoming omniscient Gods.

3. Scorpions

While they don't taste quite the same as your mom's homemade scorpions, nothing beats the convenience.

4. Energy Drinks

Aww. How cute! These slender, smaller, crazy, and/or wild cans look like the hot girlfriend of a Pepsi can and the attractive friend of a tuna can.

5. Survival Kit

It contains everything you need in one easily misplaced or forgotten container.

6. Ice

Leave it to the Japanese to make Ice in a Can. The product is a frosty spray intended to keep people cool during dangerous heat waves. Or you can use it to modify the temperature of pizza, soup or giraffe blood.

7. Spray On Shirt
This is only in the prototype phase, but that’s close enough to get near the top of this prestigious list. The thought of one day waking up and putting on a shirt without mussing our sideways-mowhawk is what keeps us going.

8. Regular Shirt/Underwear/Pajamas

There is no better way to pack or tell your girlfriend, "I didn't forget your birthday or Christmas! Here's a gift that I put much thought into. Enjoy!"

9. Whipped Cream

Adding the sugary topping to a taco or stew has never been so convenient. Warning: Eating the entire can will make you a better, taller, more respected human being.

10. Air Horn

One tiny can. One million ways to piss off your cat.

11. Robot
12. Cheese

13. Paint
14. Soup
15. Shaving Cream
16. Fleshlight
17. Spam

18. Whole Chicken

20. Soda
21. Pudding
22. Nature's Tears (Artificial tears)

23. Silly String
24. Wine

25. Whiskey

26. Pancake Batter

27. Pumpkin Pie Filling
28. Milk
29. Water
30. Gravy
31. Pears
32. Beans

33. Bacon

34. Pringles
35. Tear Gas
36. Spinach

37. Celery
38. Counter-Assault Bear Deterrent Spray
39. New Book Smell
40. Worms

41. Eggnog
42. Grapefruit Vodka
43. Tennis Balls
44. Racquetballs
45. Sterno

46. Snow

47. Fruit Cocktail
48. Caulk
49. Oil

50. Ghost
51. Artist's Shit

52. Beefaroni
53. Spray Paint

54. Fix-A-Flat
55. Spotted Dick

56. Peas
57. Lasagna
58. Altoids
59. Turtle Wax
60. Shoe Polish
61. Unflavored Dehydrated Survival Food

63. Oxygen (Like in Spaceballs!)
64. Tomatoes
65. Pineapple Juice
66. Mace
67. Adhesive spray
68. Biscuit Dough
69. Cooking Spray
70. Hair Spray
71. Spray Hair

72. Cherry Pie Filling
73. Apple Pie Filling
74. Frosting
75. Mixed Nuts
76. Spam Lite
77. Spring Snakes in Fake Can of Peanuts
78. Phony Shaving Cream Container That Hides Dinosaur Embryos
79. Creamed Corn
80. Non-Creamed Corn
81. Broth
82. Coffee
83. Ravioli

84. Bug Spray
85. Hi-C Juice

86. Dog Food
87. Fake Tan
88. Cat Food
89. Tiny Servings of Orange Juice
90. Tuna
91. Tuna water
92. Gas
93. Crab Meat
94. Crab Juice
95. Coconut Water
96. Arizona-brand Grape Drink
97. Malt Liquor
98. Sparkling Wine

99. Whoop Ass

100. Another Beer